Yet another car accident has occurred in Rochester, making it the 28th crash in the month of October. After a lengthy two-hour investigation of what local officers described as “the most intense case ever covered in the city’s history,” a URochester student was brought into custody. When asked about how they got their license, the culprit reported that they aced their driving test, which opened up yet another investigation into the local DMV and their standards.
After interviewing multiple DMV workers in Rochester, it was revealed that Rochester has some rather unique rules. The driver must always be 25 miles over the speed limit (or as the city calls it, the “speed suggestion”), they must run into every stop sign possible, yellow lights mean speed up, blinkers are optional, speed bumps are for getting airtime, and pedestrians never have the right of way — in fact, bonus points for every pedestrian you terrify on the streets. It’s been reported that the students who thrive with Rochester’s driving rules originate mostly from Los Angeles, Boston, New York City, and (surprising no one) the entire states of New Jersey and Texas. While no official reports have been run as to why this is the case, the common theory is that this connection is due to the fact that everyone in the places listed suck at driving.
Upon learning that the URochester student was compliant with Rochester’s road safety laws, they were released. The officer who filed the arrest gave a public apology, during which he attested that “admittedly, [the student] was among the better drivers I’ve seen. It was only a family of four, which is a lower body count than normal for this city.”
