After having a boyfriend for an entire two semesters, my transition from one-half of a couple to singleton was not exactly a smooth one. Believe it or not, even though I was basically single for the past 20 years previous to that relationship – except for a very steamy affair in pre-school which included many hot games of “doctor” – you can lose those single skills like flirting, very fast.
Not that I was ever especially good at flirting – my usual opening line was asking a boy about the last movie he saw and then giving him the random celebrity knowledge about the actors.
Believe it or not, boys don’t really care that Lindsay Lohan and Jared Leto’s fling dissolved. However, they have quite a lot to say about the dissolving of her breasts.
Then there are the boys who like to express their flirtatious intentions through dance. I am all for using one’s body to express oneself, but people should keep in mind that I am a little waspy girl who still considers the Michelle Tanner booty shake a staple dance move.
I look at dance more as an opportunity to be humorous – la Elaine on Seinfeld – than to try out my best Shakira impression. It still stuns me how some boys are just more comfortable grabbing a girl from behind and grinding with her for 20 minutes without speaking rather than actually talking to her.
One can also get very lazy when they have a boyfriend. I didn’t feel that the gym was necessary, and since I prefer to run outside, I decided that if it was snowing or raining or there was an America’s Next Top Model marathon on, I was obligated to listen to the precious words of Ms.Tyra.
This semester I have decided to get in shape like the other 8,000 people fighting me for my machine.
Because of my deficient flirting skills, I am really going to have to depend on my looks. I used to be told I looked like Katie Holmes a lot, but since she got knocked up by Mr. “Show me the crazy!” I feel like negative resentment is associated with my face.
By the way ladies, a good workout tip is to get to the gym at 4 p.m. when Oprah starts. She had the cast of Brokeback Mountain – the greatest gay cowboy movie of our generation – on, and let me tell you, I could have easily stayed on that treadmill for an hour staring into Jake Gyllenhaal’s eyes.
Hopefully in the near future my flirting skills will accumulate, I will get in better shape and as it said in a chain e-mail I received the other day, “There is someone out there who loves you that you don’t even know exists,” or at least wants to hook-up with you.
