What a nice day on the River Campus to be outside. You’re walking along the paths by some trees and you see these familiar, furry creatures by your side: groundhogs. So cute. So fluffy.
So… intelligent.
Have you ever wondered why these cute little rodents are popping up everywhere you walk, grazing and watching students like hawks, right before they scurry off to their burrows?
Whatever you do, don’t ever be too charmed by their cuteness! Footage from security and from groundhog-proof underground cameras planted in burrows show they are up to no good.
The campus’ groundhogs are part of a (formerly) top-secret, elite organization Hegemony of Groundhogs (H.O.G.) and are plotting to take over the school. Every night, they steal students’ devices and watch lecture recordings for course ideas and to spy on students.
Why are they doing this? H.O.G. has been plotting a coup d’etat against President Sarah Mangelsdorf and banishing her and all faculty members to the tunnels. In doing so they will take over the University and change the curricula and student activities.
As part of the upcoming production of “Groundhog Day,” they planned to replace the entire student cast and crew with actual groundhogs. They started designing new courses including Burrowing 101 and, as part of the Biology curriculum, The Art of Hibernation, with an emphasis on storing enough lipids as energy for three cold months. Students will be required to eat plenty of filling dishes, sleep in their dorms until the start of the spring semester, and take final exams once they wake up.
Questions on the final exam:
- How do you feel after hibernation?
- What did you dream about?
Extra credit question:
Do you endorse a global government system made of Marmota monax? Select Yes/No
If Yes, 5000 points are awarded.
If No, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
Security is still gathering enough data on H.O.G.’s daily activities and doing everything they can to prevent this change. But just in case security fails, brace yourselves for any new course requirements and potentially the longest nap you’ll ever take.
