Students of UR, I am here to offer you an opportunity to purchase a once-in-a-lifetime product. It is something I have been working on for a long time, and I’m very proud of it. I brewed it myself, right in one of the basement bathrooms of Anderson Hall, and I’ve got a full batch ready to sell. What am I selling, you may ask? Well, I’ll tell you — Pig Syrup.
Now, I know I’m not supposed to use my position as a columnist to hawk my wares, but I think the editors will understand. What I’m offering is perhaps the most innovative creation of the past century, and I will undoubtedly be reaching a peak of fame so high in the days following this article’s publication that I will no longer need the approval of the Campus Times for anything. Pig syrup will be flying off the shelves. It’s truly a product anyone can enjoy! Kids, teens, adults, the elderly, British “people” — Pig Syrup knows no one it can’t help.
Now, let me tell you just what I’m talking about here.
Pig Syrup is a concoction that will allow whoever drinks it to transform entirely into a pig. The fact that this market hasn’t been tapped yet astounds me. There are so many reasons to transform into a pig! Craving a meal of slop from a trough? Pig Syrup! Want to roll around nude in the mud free of judgment from your fellow students? Pig Syrup! Want to hunt for truffles instead of going to class? Say it with me, dear reader: PIG SYRUP!
Now, before I continue, there is a small caveat I need to get out of the way. Pig Syrup is cheap and works within minutes, but you will only maintain the porcine form as long as you can keep up a believable pig impression. If you snort too humanely, snuffle too daintily, or otherwise don’t convincingly behave as a true pig would, then you will revert back to your human form, leaving you naked wherever you stand, just a disgusting slab of human garbage rather than a glorious hog.
That being said, I will be offering courses to help people achieve effective pig impressions to maximize the enjoyment of their Pig Syrup. Just reach out to me on Instagram @thebiggerthepigthehardertheysnort, and I will set you up with three Zoom meetings in which I will instruct you on how to wallow, how to snort, and how to REEEEE as any good pig should.
In terms of just buying the syrup itself, contact me at the same Instagram handle, and for the low price of $500 a bottle, you too can live like Wilbur. Thank you for your time.
