A new study commissioned by University admissions found that a majority of UR undergraduates have never seen a fox before in their goddamn lives. The study was conducted after a fox was discovered on River Campus grounds, prompting uproar from students for no discernable reason.
“I mean, we suspected,” UR admissions coordinator Leopold Fuck said. “Like, nobody carries on about a fox like that unless they’ve either never seen one before or just want to get attention quickly and easily. Having the numbers to back that assumption up is nice, of course.”
The red fox, known to STEM majors and insufferable men as “Vulpes vulpes,” is commonly found in every non-desert biome in the fucking Northern Hemisphere. Miraculously, a majority of UR students (69 percent) responded to the survey by marking the option, “Never seen one of those things before, but I want to talk about it and only it until something else with the potential for watered-down, universal appeal captures the attention of my winter-fucked brain.” Only 28 percent of students responded, “Yeah, I’ve seen a fox before, your question is on its face uninteresting,” and three percent of students responded with attempts to write in Bernie Sanders for the 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee.
Some students who hailed from areas where foxes are commonly found explained the circumstances which led to their recent fox exposure being such a major event.
“I’ve never driven a car at night before,” junior Lauren Freud-Johnson said, “never gone out at night, either. I don’t even like looking out the window at nighttime. My thinking is, if the sun’s not making it easy to see, then God doesn’t want me to look at it, right? Also, vampires. Gotta always be on your toes with those shifty dudes.”
Other students admitted to being less than truthful in their study responses.
“See, I see foxes all the time,” UR student Jeffrey “Box Penis” Randolph ’22 said. “My family’s from eastern Pennsylvania, we’re lousy with foxes. But seeing a small and mundane animal in a place it isn’t supposed to be makes me lose all critical thinking skills. Did you know that it ate a squirrel?”
Upon being reassured that everyone in the greater Rochester area was by then aware that the fox had been seen eating a squirrel, Randolph put his thumbs through his belt loops like a dad looking out across his lawn at sunset and said to no one in particular, “What a world, eh?”
