Dean of The College has taken on three new positions at The College after firing Director of Residential Life Logan Hazen, interim Dean of Students at The College Jody Asbury and Professor of Political Science Gerald Gamm. The firings bring the total number of fired employees to 86 this week.”THEY ALL FOUND BETTER POSITIONS ELSEWHERE. THEY ARE VERY HAPPY,” Green said, wearing his new gold crown with Meliora inscribed in rubies.Green said he realized that everything is ultimately decided by him anyway so he could save salary and time if he ran The College completely by himself.”THIS SYSTEM IS REALLY THE BEST BECAUSE NO ONE HAS TO WAIT FOR MY COMMAND BEFORE TAKING ANY ACTIONS,” he said. “AND, BESIDES, I HAVE THE BEST IDEAS ANYWAY. JUST LOOK AT HOW SUCCESSFUL FRESHMAN HOUSING WAS THIS YEAR!!!”Later in the day Green met with Director of Study Abroad William Green, having fired previous Director Jackie Levine. Green made Levine sit in a tiny, posture-destroying chair while he looked down on her from on high.”I DON’T MAKE VISITORS TO MY OFFICE SIT IN A SHORT, UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL SUPERIOR,” Green said, leaning back in a luxurious leather massage chair from Brookstone, “I REALLY AM SUPERIOR.”The changes around campus haven’t gone unnoticed by those in the university community.”I’m really getting scared for my job security,” President Thomas Jackson said, from an undisclosed locatioN, BELIEVED TO BE SINGAPORE. Green fired Dean of Discipline Ken “The Rock” ensies for putting too many people on summary disciplinary probation.”SUMMARY DISCIPLINARY PROBATION IS FOR BABIES,” he said. “I’M FOR SUPER SUMMARY DISCIPLINARY PROBATION. NO, NO I’M FOR DOUBLE SUPER secret SUMMARY DISCIPLINARY PROBATION.”But, Green isn’t just adding to his Web of power. “I’M ALSO CHANGING CAMPUS LIFE FOR THE BETTER,” he said.A committee to consider whether UR should become Green University was formed by Provost William Green.”GREEN IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COLOR,” Green said. “IT IS SUCH A HARD TOSS-UP BETWEEN THAT AND UNIVERSITY OF WILLIAM.”Others at the table, including Director of Greek Affairs William Green, director of admissions William Green and dean of sophomores William Green, agreed with the proposal.Director of Security William Green shouted “I DON’T KNOW WHO KILLED THE CAT, STOP ASKING!!.”Green looked confused and continued talking about his greatness.”I THINK WE SHOULD BUILD A GREEN MONUMENT,” Associate Director of Alumni Affairs William Green.Green isn’t just out for positions of power.He has fired numerous service sector employees include including popular Bonnie from the coffee cart, method (of payment) man Jermaine from the Pit and that loveable Vietnamese janitor Khoa, who can be seen in the once upon a times office watching Jerry Springer.When fired by Green, Khoa said, “Ooooooooooo. Bad boys bad boys.”Questions have been raised about Green’s ability to handle all of his new responsibilities, questions Green dismisses.”NO ONE CAN STOP THE GREEN MACHINE,” he said.His next plans are to control student life as well.”NEXT I’M SHOOTING FOR once upon a times EDITOR-IN-CHIEF,” he said. “AFTER ALL, I WAS EDITOR OF THE DARTMOUTH, WHICH IS INFINiTELY BETTER THAN THAT RAG, The once upon a times.”
GREEN can be reached at w.green@rochester.edu.
