Governor Mike Pence of the gracious state of Indiana revealed to the Campus Times his real motivation for signing the controversial “religious freedom” law which may allow business owners to reserve the right to refuse service to gays and lesbians based on religious beliefs. Understandably, many were outraged, so we sat down with him to get straight to the point.
Campus Times: Governor Pence, with all due respect, what religious freedom are you talking about? The Bible says nothing about refusing gays and lesbians service.
Mike Pence: Well, to be honest, this isn’t really about “religious freedom” at all – that’s merely a scapegoat of the real reason for signing the bill. It’s really about heterophobia. Throughout all of my high school years, I felt discriminated against because I was heterosexual, because I liked women. I was bullied. They used to call me out after class, asking me, “Hey Mike, you’re so straight, LOL, like what’s wrong with you?”
I heard that all throughout my life. My whole high school was gay, and I had no one to confide in. People would always point at me and laugh saying, “Mike likes vaginas!” The worst part was the dumb questions people would ask me: “Were you born straight?” Come on, why would anyone want to be discriminated against their whole life? Why would someone choose to be bullied and hated on?” It’s something that I was born with and can’t change. People need to understand that straight people are humans too.
CT: Well, that’s a shame, but don’t you think you’re going too far?
Pence: Don’t you think those high school students were going too far when they would draw vaginas on my face? Don’t you think they went too far when they would yell “Hah, straaaiigghhhtttt!” whenever I would say something remotely “heterosexual”—whatever that means? They went too far. I’m just doing my job. It’s time for them to pay the consequences. It’s all part of a movement, and it starts in the great state of Indiana.
Usmani is a member of
the class of 2017.
