Word on the street is that performative males are the new breed of alt-males swarming social media feeds and university campuses. This time, they’re clad in knit vests, tote bags, and dangly earrings ready to infiltrate your favorite coffee shop in town.
You must be wondering: Beyond the Clairo-loving and matcha-drinking facade, is it possible to actually befriend a performative male?
The answer is yes — albeit with a carefully curated process (just like their Instagram feed). If you plan to befriend one, look no further than this guide.
First, you’ll need to identify your target. Head to the nearest park and you may find one resting against a water fountain. To make sure the man you have identified is indeed a performative male, make sure to look for the three Ls: Look-at-me energy, Lattes, and Loafers.
As he leans on the stone edge of the fountain, check that he is swirling his matcha in one hand while holding a hardback copy of “Atomic Habits” — or any Booktok equivalent — in the other. When observing, if you notice your subject taking snapshots of his book-reading or OOTD for his monthly Instagram dump, then congratulations, you have found a genuine performative male.
Next, you’ll need a conversation-opener. A simple hello won’t cut it, I’m afraid. You’ll need something that might make them want to offer you a sip of their watered-down matcha. Walk towards him while holding a Laufey album (vinyl and cassette work best, but CD is acceptable) and see if he glances up from his book.
Do: Start complimenting his outfit and choice of earrings.
Don’t: Ask why he’s wearing a fur hat in the middle of summer.
Approach the performative male while taking note of his outfit and impractical amount of jewelry. Try to ignore the two Labubus dangling from his pants and start complimenting his clothes. If all goes according to plan, he should now have his eyes glued to your Laufey album.
If he removes one of his wired earphones and places his book down (for once), you have successfully caught the attention of your performative male. At this point, you should try to ask for his outfit details while pretending to be surprised at how everything is apparently “vintage.”
After you have broken the ice, you might be wondering what’s inside his beige Shakespeare and Company tote bag. After he catches you looking, he begins to pull out a stack of vinyl, starting with the obligatory Clairo “Immunity” record.
Do: Compliment his “underground” music taste.
Don’t: Attempt to introduce him to music that is not on a teenage girl’s indie Spotify playlist.
Tell him you love his music taste as he sits you down for a run-through of his Spotify playlist. As you tune in, try to ignore that “Softly” is leaking rather loudly from the left earbud he had pulled out earlier, and how you’re now perched on the water ring his matcha left behind.
Don’t mind it, as he is now one Clairo song away from becoming “Closer to You.” When you notice his matcha supply beginning to exhaust, it is your chance to ask him out — this would allow your relationship to deepen beyond pop quizzes on Lana Del Rey songs.
Do: Take him to a niche, overpriced matcha cafe.
Don’t: Mention coffee.
This is the hardest part. You have stepped into Performative Male HQ. You may become overwhelmed in the colorful Labubu abyss as more Clairo is played in the background of chatter on the newest Laufey release, but don’t fret — you’re almost there.
You see him start to break down when the cafe tells him they are all out of oat milk. As he fails to decide between the impossible choice of almond, coconut, and soy milk, this is when you need to whip an Oatly out of your bag.
Yes, that’s right. You should always have oat milk on hand when attempting to catch a performative male. After you save his day (and his third matcha of the morning), you will have successfully befriended the performative male. Cheers to a new friendship and your new life-size Labu-bro.
