One week into being on campus again, and I already love how the University naturally acts as a detox from the woke mind virus. I, for one, can appreciate how the University is finally falling in line with government guidelines.
My whole life, I have suffered severely from the woke mind virus. I was once a gay man, but thanks to the five steps of wokeness recovery, I am now an all-American white man. And, fortunately for you, the University is providing paid (because nothing should be free!) resources to help you on your journey to recovery.
The first step to recovering from being a wokie is the recognition that you were woke to begin with. Helpful indicators that you might be suffering from wokeness are thinking that pronouns are real and that you are a “they” or a “them” or an “it.” Perhaps those thoughts were caused by a stroke, a “ze”-izure, if you will.
Regardless, in addition to your increasing tuition, it’s time to start paying your tithes to the Catholic Church through the new Catholic Center right next to Gilbert Hall! This is the only way you can accept Jesus Christ into your life. While it won’t be the same as the MAGA churches in my home state of Kentucky, they’re sure to put you well on your way to wokeness remission.
This leads into step two of recovery: recognizing that you are — present tense — a wokie. The only way to realize this is to confess that you were wrong, and go right. Buy a necklace with a cross on it to symbolize your penance (now on sale for $69.99). Only then will you stop living a lie. You’ll instantly revert to your original state as a man; there’s no need to be a woman anymore.
And as a plus, the funds for the new church will aid in the fight to take away housing from those pesky illegals who keep stealing it for themselves. Just another thing they steal on top of jobs, food, my side chick, and my main ho.
This takes us to step three: preparing for the woke mind virus to leave your body. Thankfully, the medical center is just a short walk away. Alternatively, if you want to put them to work, just get a Mexican to pick you up in an Uber — they should be doing more to earn their keep anyway.
Thanks to hard-working Americans like you, the med center has now frozen the funding of research done by illegals and prevented abortion access! Their next goal: make visits even more expensive to ensure broke ass bitches can die on the street. Sure, the medical center’s prices might be getting a little dicey, but anything to get those illegals off their asses and back to their country where they belong! Anything to make it easier for you to find a patient room, even if we get rid of half the doctors!
Next, remember to hire a priest from the Catholic Church to exorcise those woke gay demons inside you. Don’t worry, you won’t be using the taxpayers’ money! Just like healthcare, this all comes out of pocket.
The fourth, and by far the easiest step, is making sure you don’t continue acting woke. Thankfully, the University has provided lovely, blindingly white buses, which make it clear how to segregate the whites from everyone else. Don’t forget to bring your signs to protest the Civil Rights Act! Buses should only be for white people!
The last step to recovery is removing all the structures that allowed you to get infected in the first place. This means getting rid of “DEI” and ensuring that only proud whites have access to resources that once belonged to Black people. It’s not as if we haven’t stolen before.
Hold your horses, because I’m proud to say that the University has already taken action! They got rid of the initial woke brainwashing of our poor, helpless first-years, replacing Celebrate Diversity with Celebrate Rochester. They even got rid of offices designed to help illegals get what we earned. I can’t wait until they turn the “cultural” clubs into healthy, white-only clubs!
Remember, as part of the recovery process, if you see an illegal walk into the new and improved “OMSA” or “DEI” — racist offices built to pander to illegals and Black folk — call ICE! The only place illegals belong is Mexico, or if we’re really nice, Canada, because they’re already far too woke.
And keep in mind, as a last resort, it is always okay as a white American to pull out that groovy gun you’ve been saving as self-defense against illegals, Black people, or puppies. Together, we will defeat the woke mind virus! Make America Great Again!
