I couldn’t believe it! I was on my morning stroll when there, peeping out from the bushes, was a man! He smiled at me, and he had no teeth. I asked him what his name was, and what looked like chicken noodle soup poured out from his mouth. Naturally, I screamed and ran. I could hear him howling as he chased after me. I finally broke out from the tree line, and I whipped my head around to see if I was still being followed. To my surprise, the man was gone. Some days, I still think I can hear his howls when I go out there. Why was his mouth filled with soup? Where were his teeth? Why did he behave in such a feral manner? I really can’t say.

Did you believe me?

You are an absolute buffoon. I’m crying from laughing as I type this, just imagining your dumbfounded face. How could you fall for this? I literally put the word “CLICKBAIT” in the title. Not to mention, this is in the humor section, smart guy. WE DON’T TELL THE TRUTH HERE. Some freak submitted an article about mechanical bees about a month ago, did you believe that was real, too?

This generation is in shambles, man. You see a hot person on TikTok tell you that buying pants from Shein is the new fad, and next thing you know, I’m getting dozens of shipments of Shein to my house because I steal people’s mail. Is this a world you think is worth living in? One where you listen to random people who don’t care about you, and you just eat up their words like a pig from a trough?

I may not know much, but I do know this –– the internet is eating up our attention spans faster than you can say “The satire of this piece isn’t funny.” In the time you’ve spent reading this godforsaken article, you could’ve been doing something more valuable. You could have planted turnips, you could have bet on a dogfight, you could have told her that you’re sorry for the things you said and that there was no “other woman.” But no, instead, your sorry ass is still here, reading these words.

Are you still reading now? Are you serious? I can just say anything and you’ll read it! Slobbiddydiggity! Cransom! Bibliodoof! Look, you’re still reading after that nonsense!!

I’m going to cut this article off now because you need to take a look at yourself in the mirror. The moral of this story is,  there never was a man in the woods. Or maybe he was inside me all along. Wait, what point was I trying to make?

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