Hey besties, I am in a silly goofy mood. So I’m gonna tell you all about the last time I found myself in a pretty silly goofy mood — yesterday, on my way to get a haircut. I know that sentence in and of itself is a red flag, but don’t worry; it gets worse.

I could excuse my erratic behavior if I was highly caffeinated and hadn’t eaten all day — but no, I was in peak condition! Actually, I’ve been taking these vitamin gummies lately, and I cannot recommend them enough. I was high on life, strolling through my hometown, feeling on top of the world, and honestly likely about to get hit by a car (trust, I’m too nimble to get hit). 

So, I sit down for my appointment.

Let’s be rational. 

My hairdresser (Alicia) asks what I want. 

We got this. Let’s go, team. Start strong.

“I know I keep saying I’m gonna grow it out…” 

Send the troops in. Miss Girl is not okay. We are at DEFCON FIVE, people! Or is it one, I can never remember. Red alert, weeooeeooee! 

I continue: “Wouldn’t it be SO fun as, like, a low-maintenance little bob?!” 

It all goes downhill from there. I must’ve blacked out while they were washing my hair, but Alicia tells me that I told her I wanted, quote-unquote, a “cute lil’ gay lil’ thing” and “imagine I’m a mix between Jenna Ortega and a rat-like boy.”

Alicia is on some shit. Whatever you’re picturing in your head? Right now, that’s what my hair looks like. I’m currently a vague approximation of blonde (bleached and not toned, but the color isn’t too yellow, and there’s a little red left in there from previous spontaneous dye jobs). My roots have grown out by about a pinky length, and since the color of each recurring bleach job isn’t consistent with the last — blame my sister — I currently look… interesting.

Don’t be fooled by this less-than-rave review! Alicia did an amazing job. I often go to her with a loose idea of what I want and she slays every time. You all should leave a Yelp review for Hair491 saying Alicia did good.

I do have bangs though. So…

If I was held at Nerf gun-point I would probably say something akin to this: I like it, it’s so gender! 

If someone asked me how I felt about the new ‘do, swearing on my dog, I would say that I want to chop it all off and go bald.

That’s a bald-faced (see what I did there?) lie. I just don’t like my dog very much. Get wrecked, Fritz. 

Truly, though — if a friend of mine asked me, with a sad little pitying look on their face, how I really honestly felt about my hair? Pinky swear? I feel that it is mediocre at best. 

Shoutout to Alicia, though. It’s a silly goofy cut.

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