Dear anyone in the general direction of the HR office,

I am writing to express my interest in whatever position you may or may not have available. If it is not available, I assure you the next 400 words will knock your socks off, parting the Red Sea of the currently impenetrable job market. My qualifications and skills are plentiful. I have enough licenses and permits to fill an Eagle Scout’s sash. My qualities are immaculate, as I’ve honed them myself for the past two decades. From the day I became self-aware, I have desired to devote a literal third of my entire adult life to working for you. Yes, you! At your very company! 

My passion for the industry is unparalleled. My only desire is to devote all of my time and energy — nay, my entire heart and soul -– in the endeavor to improve your product or service. I have become a jack of all trades, and will hastily claim to be master of anything specified for this job. Microsoft suite? More like Microsoft sweet! I can tabulate an Excel spreadsheet like no one’s business. Progress reports? With me around, it’ll be off the charts (please buy larger charts when you hire me)! 

I find the concept of a personal life to be outlandish, outdated, and irrelevant. Outside of work, my only responsibilities are to rest my body and mind for another deliciously fulfilling day in corporate America. A spouse and children would only provide me with outside obligations. Friendships? I wouldn’t even dare! 

Speaking of D.A.R.E., I have been a proud member since elementary school, not compromising the integrity of the temple that is my body once in all of these years. I’m as sober as a preacher, spreading the good word of the company to any other members of society I happen across. I am dedicated to each and every value your company may or may not have. My moral compass is monetarily guided. As far as you’re concerned, that means it’s unwavering and aligned in the correct direction! 

Thank you for taking the time to review the application materials I have graciously forced upon you. I look forward to hearing back from you in the coming days and have every intention of berating your inbox with inquiries the second the clock strikes the beginning of business day on the seventh day without correspondence. 

I wish you health, wealth, and prosperity for the duration of your bloodline,

A little guy yearning to earn XP, capital, and stability. 

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