Regarding gaseous chemicals, Juul got their asses sued because they were marketing explicitly to children, from the fruity flavors to the use of social media to push their product. Kids love breathing chemicals.

Bang, responsible for the 16-ounce energy drink with 300 mg of caffeine (about three cups of coffee) and what they call “Super Creatine,” was also unsurprisingly sued. I’m no chemist, but apparently, “Super Creatine” isn’t real. Some lawyers ripped Bang apart because something-something-false marketing. I simply do not care about that aspect. The interesting part is kids were drinking this as an energy drink, causally between classes and whatnot, as a substitution for actually fucking sleeping (foreign concept!). UR students are not dumb, yet we’re draining the campus dry of the precious nectar, bragging about a nonsensical ingredient. It has since been banned from campus and might be discontinued.

Due to its absence from campus culture, Bang has been replaced with a new product, called Fast Twitch. Weighing in at a conservative 12 ounces, it packs a potent punch of 200 mg of caffeine. Speaking from experience, it goes down far too smooth, resulting in anything from sweaty palms to weak knees before you can finish your orange chicken. Sporting the gatorade logo, it isn’t unreasonable to assume this newfangled “quick twitch” drink is for electrolyte recovery. Yes, it advertises the electrolytes, but that is obviously not the selling point. 

Four Loko conveniently ties back to my prior point of “kids love drinking chemicals.” The devilish beverage has quite the history. Long story short, it used to have caffeine, sugar, and alcohol. The modern Four Loko was nerfed by Big Water, forcing the removal of caffeine, but it’s still a dangerous slurry of sugar and alcohol. As Americans, it is our God-given right to put whatever we can into our bodies without even the most cursory of critical thinking. 

Quick Twitch is clearly no more than a caffeine delivery mechanism with a splash of electrolytes. What even are electrolytes? I’ve been informed by my chemistry major associates that they are not in fact pronounced “electric lights,” but I think they’re messing with me. Also, electrolytes are just fancy salt??? Why drink Twitch Fast when you can drink a coffee and lick a salt block???

To answer my own question: electrolytes are a hoax created by PepsiCo to sell more Gatorade. So the only active ingredients in the rapid jerk are caffeine, water, and ludicrously artificial flavoring, similar to MiiO. This is starting to sound like the final piece of the puzzle, which will return Four Loko to its former glory. 

After trials and tribulations of tabulating such a tantalizing taste, I have arrived at an unholy recipe. Acquire a single one gallon jug (empty), along with three Four Lokos of any flavor (but not the blue one as that is objectively the worst since it tastes like radiator fluid) and three swift spasms (again, the flavor is irrelevant as we all know you’re not drinking this for the plot). This should leave 20 ounces of headroom in the gallon jug to add whatever ails you. This is where you can express your individuality! Feeling saucy tonight? Add marinara! Feeling dehydrated? Add water! Want strong bones? Whole milk! Regardless of your choice of additives, it cannot be worse than whatever is in a Fast Twitch. 

 



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