I’ve heard of a zany new way of getting out of bed in the morning. To me, the thought of putting something lab-grown in my body, especially at such a young hour of the day, doesn’t sit well with me. Doping, doing lines, shooting up, huffing fumes? I would never!

I am a proponent of an all-natural lifestyle. I only eat the freshest fruits and vegetables. Such as, for example, an ear of corn with 800 kernels distributed perfectly across 16 neat and tidy rows. Or perfectly round, plump, and flavorless tomatoes. I only drink the cleanest of water, made even cleaner by my boiling and filtering of it through the finest matrix of all natural fair trade organic ground and roasted coffee beans. This makes my medically-recommended eight gallons of water a day even more pure and healthy. The filtration process even enhances the water by adding only the finest of sulfates and sulfides. 

After my morning fishtank of this magical concoction, I physically cannot stay in bed. This all-natural pick-me-up induces such energy to my very soul that I simply must go on my daily mile-long sprint, stopping only once the energy levels have sufficiently leveled off. Once I’m out into the real world, with nothing but the wind in my hair, it is impossible to waste the day away. 

From there, I skip breakfast, as it is an unneeded inefficiency and my ultrafiltered water rendered my morning appetite a thing of the past. With the saved time, I can attempt to complete the problem sets from last night, which can only be done at the last second. Due tomorrow does in fact mean do tomorrow. 

Classes begin. The exhaustion attempts to seep into my very being. But it has no chance. 

“And here’s one I prepared earlier,” I say a little too loud, as I take a mighty swig of my bean-filtered water. My nemesis, exhaustion, was thwarted once more. 

With the much needed jolt, I am now able to not fall asleep during class. Energized, I thoroughly ignore the professor and work on another assignment, due in mere hours. 

“What’s more natural than FTO’s and adrenaline?” I ask myself as I incoherently tear through an assignment. By the time classes are over, I am all tuckered out from my herculean tasks. God gives his toughest battles to his drowsiest of soldiers. 

It is 4 p.m.. It is nap time. I don’t have anything of significance to do until tomorrow. I do not set an alarm, only pass out on bed.

I awake in a pool of cold sweat. My blankets are in the next area code. It is dark out. My eyes lock with my forlorn bae (my phone which I forgor to charge). It reads “7:00.” I have slept for three hours? But it’s dark out? I squint through eyes encrusted with mistreated and dried out contacts. It is tomorrow and I have missed all of my classes. I slept for 27 hours and feel so very absolutely awful in every regard. 

There’s nothing healthier than java, I remind myself, as I sip the day-old cup of stale coffee from my desk, in an attempt to rendezvous with reality.

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