Warm temperatures and an unseasonably dry winter has led to record-low snowfall. However, on a crisp Monday morning, students awoke to find paths throughout campus glazed with a layer of ice.

Residents of Jackson Court were unable to scale the slippery slopes of the hill behind Danforth. One step forward meant nothing short of two slides back. Hill Court residents weren’t nearly as bad off, assuming they were up for the thrill of an irreversible descent down the Sue B. bridge. And for Southside… Well, they are indifferent. This is no better nor worse than their standard commute, through rain, sleet, and hail, uphill both ways.

The probable perpetrators of this devilish escapade were not absent from the events of this morning. Despite ice being obviously not snow, members of the skiing club simply did not care, calling it close enough.

The constant stream of electric scooters zipping up and down the path with minimal regard for basic human decency has dried up, replaced as quickly as they vanished with the skiers. The benefit of this for the average pedestrian is they now can be certain from which direction the speedy individual will emerge. The downside: skis have neither brakes nor agility on such icy surfaces, let alone iced-over concrete.

A likely theory has presented itself, as the skiing club are the only ones unimpeded by the ice. Nightfall presents a daily change in the temperature, allowing it to dip just below freezing. Combined with shaded paths through parts of campus presents an easy target for icy ne’er-do-well. This would have to be a deliberate act, committed by folks content, if not happy, with the situation as a whole.

Going by this theory, UR skiing is the only contender, as it allows them to practice without the necessary snow. This gives them the motive, coupled with the opportunity of the night prior to commit the perfect crime.

Students from RIT’s tobogganing club have noticed UR’s killer ice paths, correctly identifying them as a potential course for their speedy sleds. By midday, teams of two were shooting down the paths, far faster than the skiers could ever dream of. A Campus Times correspondent asked the tobogganers about the situation, to which they said, “zzZZOOOOM!” They were going quite fast and I believe they were more concerned about lap time than an interview.

Students are frantically calling Facilities, expecting them to solve this problem. But man can never win against nature. Sure, Facilities could salt the paths, or try and clear the ice by hand. All anyone can do is wait for the sun to melt away the paths, returning campus to the dreary monotony of everyday life. But in the meantime, anyone faced with the icy obstacles should simply let it go. The cold never bothered me anyway.

UR Softball continues dominance with sweeps of Alfred University and Ithaca College

The Yellowjackets swept Alfred University on the road Thursday, winning both games by a score of 5–4.

Live updates: Wallis Hall sit-ins

Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…

UR Womens’ Lacrosse trounces Nazareth 17-5

UR’s Womens’ Lacrosse team beat Nazareth University 17–5 on Tuesday at Fauver Stadium.