UR’s finest, the Tun-Tunney Scary Dark Tunneling Tun-Tun Club, unveiled the first section of their work this semester in a grandiose ceremony in the junction between the Wilco tunnel, the Morey entrance that also goes to the First-Year Quad and the painted tunnels, and the carpeted fake tunnel that we show families on tours. Many were delayed by this 30-second fake-out event, which only further proves that the tunneling club has become an essential provider for our ever-better, ever-growing student body.
The Tunneling Tun-Tun Club was an initiative of hangry engineering students upset about having to go all the way from the depths of Georgen into the blinding daylight of the outside world. This arduous trek took them across the Hajim lawn, complete with a walk of shame past Wegmans, a journey through Hoyt and the hot tunnels, the daily stumble on that one raised part of Morey 2, and a continual scowl at the Starbucks stragglers who never learned to walk past the speed per hour of ‘slow,’ all to get to the Pit and wait in line, then do it all over again and be late to class. Imagine going to a school that not only doesn’t want to feed you, but actively creates corners where there should not be to prevent you from accessing edible species on time for your next eight hours of suffering. I’m not bitter or anything. But yeah, tunnels.
Members of the tunneling club (now an official affiliate of one of Elon Musk’s lesser terrible money-laundering schemes, The Boring Company) take it upon themselves to improve the University’s abysmal foot traffic by tunneling between existing tunnels to create more tunnels. This can be done by digging with spoons below weak spots in the existing infrastructure (which is all of them) or stealing power tools from the machine shop and blasting through walls in the Meliora Hall basement. One new “tunnel” involves students crawling through a hole in the lectern in Hubbell, which intrepid subterranean innovator John Lowe told me was “smashing, top of the hill, a whole new age of pedestrian transportation really.” I’ll take him at his word. With increased tunnel acreage, the campus groundbois are, in a word, proliferating. Our beloved furry companions have identified an ecological niche to fill and they are doing. Their. Best. If you hear frantic squeaks in the dark, turn away while you still can.
Tunnels come in many shapes and sizes, primarily tunnel-like and fuckery-like. The University has seen fit to endow the group with unlimited shovels, resulting in massive exportation to freedom fighter groups railing against the tyrannical oppression of Big Tunnel, and a whole lot of hard cash filling money holes which are definitely not hidden around campus anywhere, jk jk unless… Anyway, the tunnels are popping off (the dynamite was a welcome aid), and will surely be useful to crawl away and hide when SA is Once Again Asking for monetary compensation, as my work-study was intended to fund the senior class’s “Bench on the Quad” t-shirt, or whatever.
If you’ve got wrists in working condition and a will to play-act as working-class to better cleanse your spirit for the revolution, these tunnels aren’t going to dig themselves. Join today for the low, low price of your will to evade carpal tunnel syndrome, and dig yourself into a whole new you!
