The UR Students’ Association (SA) has announced a brawl night that will take place this upcoming Friday where students can finally settle their differences with other majors via these hands, so we can all stop hearing their rants on why their majors are better. Thank god.
Students will meet their foes in the abandoned swimming pool in Spurrier, “Pitch Perfect”-style, as a special fuck you to a cappella groups who have been campaiging to have a riff-off there for years. Keep your Yellow Jackets, Treble-wannabes and Anna Kendricks, this is for every person you have rejected from your somewhat exclusive cults. UR a cappella groups feel like what everyone thinks Greek Life is, and that includes the wild hazing that comes with it.
The best debates are settled through violence, which is why SA decided to host this opportunity for students. One senator commented on the choice saying, “The student body is pretty stressed out by the time April comes around, and passive aggressive comments such as, ‘Well, I spend hours on my complex math homework,’ or ‘I have 300 pages due by the end of the week’ don’t help things. But no one is going to listen to the facts, which is that they made a decision to take that class and study that major, and therefore chose to do that work! What is pretty hard to ignore, though, is when these fists of fury clock you in the mouth.” Show, don’t tell, as the high school English teachers — or mean Campus Times editors who cut down my pieces with a machete — say.
There will only be two rules for these brawls: One, no knives, and two, to fight, you have to fill out the CCC form for attendance. Students will fight to the death to Rico Nasty, whose music researchers say leads to 65% more people considering jumping a fraternity brother. According to some of the students planning this brawl, the music choice should provide “The ‘Smack-a-Bitch’ energy needed this D-Day” if Rico Nasty is chosen to perform.
Students have responded very positively to this event, with many excitedly planning in anticipation of their game plan. The English students are planning to fight as many engineers as possible, their intent being to “give them another reason to not be able to read through a black eye.” The Gender, Sexuality, and Women Studies group have announced a formal challenge to Business and Economics majors, which the Campus Times is not able to publish due to the graphic nature of the message, but it involves a bat nicknamed “the Patriarchy.”
One of the most anticipated bouts is between the Optics and Physics majors, where ‘it’ will finally be settled. Neither side has chosen to describe what ‘it’ actually is, but whatever it is, I hope Optics wins.
President Sarah Mangelsdorf is scheduled to appear at the event, where she will lead the opening ceremony. The UR President’s Office has given the Campus Times a sneak peek at Mangelsdorf’s speech.
“Meloria! For those who don’t know me, I am your God, Sarah C. Mangelsdorf. Yes, most of you know me from my daily Starbuck trips, but for those of you who don’t… Meliora! Let the games begin, and may the odds be ever in your favor!”