“How about that weather, eh?”

“The snow’s really coming down, isn’t it?”

“It cold enough for you yet?” 

“When will God bury us below mountains of frost as punishment for our sins?”

You’ve heard them. You hate them. It can be hard to see through the flakes and the dime-a-dozen customary replies whenever the weather is slightly uncomfortable. 

Well, in a revolutionary turn of events, because this is The First Time Ever that snow has fallen, here’s how to deal with the snow that plagues this campus (we could really use some of that “global warming” now, amirite?).

Your finite options for surviving Jack Frost throwing a temper tantrum are as follows: 

1.Eat your way through it. 

Kindergarteners continue to be onto something. Be it sniffing glue, or sticking anything within reach in their mouth, they’ve been setting trends for decades. 

Just think about it! Snowball sub sandwiches, roasting snowballs over a fire pit, and gourmet ice cakes! The possibilities are endless; your imagination is the only thing limiting you in the one true all-you-can-eat buffet! 

Forget those pesky “nutrients” Big Pharma’s always talking about, and kill two birds with one stone: Get to class and snack along the way.

2. Implement social distance regulations. 

Now just hold on one moment. Those snowflakes are, would you just look at that, mere inches from each other! If you have any sense of common decency, you should be rightly outraged. 

Quick! Lobby to get social distance measures enforced ASAP! Those snowflakes will have to stay six feet away from each other, because those are The Rules. Anyone who says “that’s not how snow works” clearly needs to go back to Facebook College to get their facts straight. 

3. Fight the snow. 

Violence isn’t always the answer. Sometimes, it’s a question. The answer: yes. 

4. Cry.

When you can’t beat nature into submission, try emotional manipulation. Tears are the master weapon of crocodiles and that bitch Becky, but you can use them too! 

Here are some phrases to jumpstart the conversation: 

  • I just thought you’d consider my feelings before existing in your natural state.
  • What would sky daddy think about your actions?
  • How could you do this to me, to us?
  • Does Antarctica know you’re here, or should I give them a call?
  • Please, God! Let it stop! Oh my dear sweet PSYC 101 professor, please let this agony end!

Any of these should get the snow to evacuate the premises out of crushing guilt, and if not, those tears can melt you through anyway. 

5. Threaten it with a lawsuit. 

There’s another leaf from someone’s book you can use. It might be a hard pill to swallow, but these people don’t believe in medication, so it’s fine. Karen knew what she was doing when she changed the customary “have a nice day” to “I’m going to sue you.” 

If you don’t have a lawyer, that’s fine! The snow doesn’t know that, its head is too high in the clouds to think about things like that. Take advantage of public ignorance, weaponize fear of financial struggle, and sue that welfare-stealing bum snow for all it’s worth. 

6. Simply pass away. 

If none of the above have worked for you, then there’s well and truly only one option left. It’s not exactly ideal, but, hey, it is what it is. No skin off my back (only off my face from the blistering cold). Now, it might seem a little harsh, but I promise that it’s a better deal than it sounds. No student loans, no relationship problems, no exams, and, most importantly, no more trudging through seven inches of gray sludge whose color reminds you of Aunt Carol’s Thanksgiving “casserole.” 

The solution to all your problems: pass on. 

There you have it, every single possible way to deal with snow. There are absolutely none that have been missed, and these are the most practical, believable, and hardest-to-sue-over methods to live* with the snow on campus.

You’re welcome. 

*subject to change.

 



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