Everything is sports now.

After the recent announcement that extracurricular activities on the UR campus are to be held online until further notice, clubs have been restructuring in order to potentially qualify as NCAA sports, which are allowed to proceed as normal on campus.

Some notable changes: A cappella groups are listing all of their meetings on CCC as “aerobic choreo rehearsals;” URSGA is using their tabletop games in between sets at the GAC as “water breaks;” and the UR Thestrals, EZs, and Piggies continue to have the best athletic track records on campus while still not being considered “real sports”.

One hot-press incident as a result of this new health kick: The University of Rochester Furs are running on life-size hamster wheels during their meetings, with the added benefit of “truly becoming one with their fursonas,” according to their new promotional material. Now, instead of the QR codes lining the campus tunnels, you may happen across big posters of fursuits drawn Deviantart-style. The fursuits are posed within weirdly elaborately-decorated hamster wheels, alongside the phrase “THIS COULD BE YOU” plastered atop the drawings like military propaganda. However, word is that some members are planning to file a bias-related incident report on the executive board members, due to the lack of consideration given to fursonas who would never logically exercise in this manner.

Even the Campus Times is not free of this new marketing, with all of our staff now editing mid-squat to attempt to prove that we should be holding in-office “practice” during Sunday production. For management, every day has become leg day.

When contacted for a statement about the potential impact this could have on rescinding restrictions for extracurriculars, the UR President’s Office had this to say: “Hey, at least you’re losing that freshman fifteen, right?”

Currently, there have been no direct impacts to club meetings, other than the looming fear that everyone will become too swole to fit in one room when in-person meetings resume.

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