According to men who got their degrees in the ’80s, college is supposed to be “the best four years of your life”. Back then, when it was fashionable to spread your face germs all over other people’s face germs at face germ-sharing parties, college life was nothing but bliss.

So why aren’t you happy?

Sure, your youth is being stolen by a pandemic that might not ever end. And you’re graduating into a hard, angry world that won’t look anywhere near the same in 20 years due to climate change. That’s no excuse not to treat your responsibilities with the same respect as you would if there were still a point to living, dammit! Simply follow these quick, easy steps to act like a functional adult, even though the world is burning down around you and you’re fundamentally alone.


“Anxiety and depression are, at their core, delusions that can be tempered with prescription drugs.” This is a quote from Floofy McFartingpants, a man who attended college in the prime of his youth, regularly went outdoors, and showered daily (shocker!). Occasionally, even Floofy would feel sad about the state of the world. He would step into the shower, an action which, again, he did frequently, and cry a single tear as he thought about all the injustices he planned on inevitably ignoring and —once he became powerful enough — perpetuating.

Then, Floofy got a prescription for antidepressants, and his world changed. Suddenly, he was full of life. He never needed to cry while taking his precious showers again. You could be just like Floofy. Does it ever feel like your only choice is between crippling mental illness and total apathy? Choose apathy! The world is doomed either way, but at least this way you can get out of bed.

Oh, you still can’t? Damn. Really thought that would work. Sucks to be you I guess.

Obsess over social media drama

Wow, that celebrity said what? With just a swipe on your phone screen, you can experience all the epic highs and lows of everyone you follow without actually needing any real friends. Critically examine petty squabbles between people you’ll never meet for shits. Take a side and write thinkpieces a mile long about things that didn’t actually happen (unless you count pixels on a screen as “events”) in the comments section of your least favorite self-proclaimed “influencer”.

Really, does anything truly happen anymore? What is reality? The way your eyes squint at your LCD screen in the dead of night is the closest you’re going to get to feeling emotions about anything for the next four years. Parasocial is the new social!

Recreate your entire life in The Sims but do it right this time, everything’s fine haha this is fine

It’s kind of weird to think that the last time you actually had plans for the future was in high school. Back then, you thought your youth wouldn’t end so soon after graduation. You thought you still had time to reinvent yourself and make choices you could be proud of. Oops! Turns out your teen years were more important than you thought.

Well guess what! You can recreate your teen years in The Sims with just a click, complete with downloadable custom content so you’ll never have to acknowledge the “fashion sense” you thought you had. Wow, it’s like the pandemic never happened! Take actual care of yourself, foster healthy relationships with other Sims, and when Sim You goes off to college, enjoy all of the experiences you’ll never get to have! Gosh, you look just like a real adult! But when you turn off your computer, don’t look at your actual self in the mirror. After four straight days of simulating a reality more bearable than this one, you won’t like what you see.

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