So, you want to hold a Friendsgiving, but there’s just one problem: you have no friends.

Well, settle down, my lonesome pupil, you’ve come to the right place! Though, a quick question before we start: Why? Why would you want this? Sweetie, are you okay? To celebrate friendship when you have yet to experience the human connection that you so desperately crave… There is literally no way for me not to be sad about this.

Are you sure you don’t want to just stay in for the day? Take care of yourself first, you know? Develop some healthier coping mechanisms. You can eat some popsicles and watch a couple episodes of “Community!” That’s a fun show! You’ll get to live vicariously through this wonderful group of misfit college students who have found acceptance within each other despite all their flaws and quirks. Isn’t it such a hopeful message? Friendship is achievable in college, even if the journey there is bumpy and slow. I mean, if Pierce can do it, why can’t you? Are you less deserving of friendship than an obsessive old guy who constantly inserts himself into situations to which he is explicitly not invited and then proceeds to ruin everything for his friends? No! Of course not! If you found that your best friends (imagine that, best friends) left you behind for an awesome trampoline that allowed them to achieve a transcendent state of eternal serenity faster than a joint of weed, you’d never rat them out! You’d just be slightly bitter. 

Okay, maybe majorly bitter. Alright, your blood is saltier than the Dead Sea, and you’re functioning based on pure spite and spite alone. 

Then you start wondering halfway through the season if things would have gone differently had Thanksgiving been set in August, because at least then you could go outside and try to bribe the wasp and yellowjacket swarms into joining your found family for the sweet sugary price of one open can of soda, until you end up crying on your dorm room floor at 3 in the morning eating leftover almonds you bought from Starbucks three days ago and listening to Olivia Rodrigo’s “Good 4 U” on a loop. 

You won’t even have to worry about waking your floormates! They’re probably home for Thanksgiving or attending Friendgivings with their actual human friends who have actual human spleens and actual human souls — which, aha, good 4 them — or perhaps they too are crying about their own squadron of loyal wasps who have fallen to the cold of winter, and now you can make a friend in your shared sorrow!

Isn’t that so much more productive than trying to organize a Friendsgiving on your own and for yourself?! No? You’d rather keep reading this instruction guide even though you can no longer tell if it’s satire or if an actually unhinged friendless maniac wrote this and you need to run away quickly if you know what’s good 4 you? Well, you’re persistent! I’ll give you that. Persistence is an excellent trait to find in a friend! …Would you like to be a part of my found family — okay, I’ll write the actual guide now. Gotta do my job! 

Friendless Friendsgiving 101!

I don’t know. Pretend you’re a foreigner who doesn’t know what Thanksgiving is and pray one of those extrovert Americans in your BCSC class will adopt you into their group or something. Excuse me while I go scream into the abyss.

PS: If you found another plan that worked, let me know before Nov. 25 or you may find yourself rather spleen-less.

Blindspots: Unconditional aid is turning Israel into a rogue state

This unconditional aid has empowered a small regional power to drift further and further from international accountability. 

The better CDCS: Melcourses

Melcourses allows students to search and schedule courses, organize selected sections, and identify time conflicts in preparation for the next semester.

Live action remakes: If it ain’t broke, do it again but worse

For the most part, these movies are just rehashes — visually bland and feebly attempting to offset their lack of originality with celebrity cameos and nostalgia bait.