To cut down on the campus’ unmanageable yellowjacket infestation, a UR professor has released her research on breeding carnivorous dandelions. Professor Anne Eminy sat down with the Campus Times in an exclusive interview to explain her reasoning behind the vicious plants: “I just thought the dandelions should be more like real lions.” 

Eminy spent months touching dandelion flowers together and then dropping little pieces of bugs on them. Eventually she progressed to entire bugs, then small lizards, rodents, and later some cats that students hid in their dorms (you know who you are; what are you gonna do? Report them missing?)

As an interviewer, one couldn’t help but ask about her lab’s dim green lighting, vague beeping sounds from behind a locked door, groans from a tank filled with mostly opaque white liquid, and general bad vibes. “What do you expect? I just told you I feed cats to plants,” Eminy explained.

UR Facilities is looking into the possibility of using the new flowers for pest control. “Yellowjackets and bees are very important pollinators, and are essential to our ecosystem on campus. However, they’re also super fucking annoying, so we’re considering [Eminy’s plants],” Flower Specialist Joey Bross said.

Bross explained that Facilities is considering other ways to manage the yellowjackets, including another dandelion-themed method. “We asked the D’Lions if they were willing to eat the yellowjackets themselves. Unfortunately they ‘aren’t paid enough for that shit,’ according to former head of the program, Scott Sheehan,” Bross explained. The D’lions are not, in fact, paid at all. 

Eminy hopes that the dandelions will help students find some peace of mind on campus, but there are some concerns. Students with small pets (e.g. rabbits, cats, and certain breeds of camel) should avoid taking them to Eastman or Wilson Quads for the immediate future. Campus tours are currently not allowing children under the age of 7. Avoid going barefoot on Eastman or Wilson Quad if you like your toes. 

It seems that the yellowjackets may be the lesser of two (or more) evils. And that some of the labs in Hutch contain the greater. Looking at you, wasp parasite lab.

Cease-fire now

Israel's war in Gaza is fraught with crimes, has unclear end conditions, and isn't supported by the U.S. public. We demand a cease-fire now.

Letter to the Editor: “UR Racist & Complicit: Sustaining racism at Rochester’s finest institution”

This University is complicit in the dissemination of misinformation intended to harm Palestinian and pro-Palestinian students.

Letter to the Editor: “A call for nuance”

It feels like, whether praising or criticizing Israel, I must add "but..." so as not to appear too firmly opinionated.