Dearest readers, this week, the one and only Campus Times brings you the most exclusive insider scoop: a look behind the scenes at the only thing holding up students’ rapidly decomposing will to open that godforsaken Zoom application. 

The Wellness Wednesday emails that students receive on a weekly basis consist of updates to current campus goings-on, plans for the University’s future, and suggestions for students concerning their mental health. 

Recently, one of our dedicated researchers came across a stash of emails, buried deep within the University’s drafts. Clearly, someone had been trying to dispose of the evidence. These emails, after careful examination, found to be a collection of scrapped Wellness Wednesday concepts. 

The following titles were among the most shocking discoveries: 

      Stressed? Drop the goddamn class!

      Tired? Why not try a new approach to beating insomnia? Drop by a lab and swipe some chloroform!

      Why meditate? Drugs are easier!

      Counselors available whenever you need (who will likely suggest revolutionary methods of coping such as: trying yoga, and talking about how your childhood is the reason you don’t understand, and the class Honors Quantum Physics 719, which runs MWF 23:59 – 05:00)!

      Karen, I’m not going to tell the students to try essential oils; no, I will not bring them into your pyramid scheme

      Keeping a journal: the experts say to do it, so do it

      Beat that burnout by buying! Student discount on coffins!

      Reject modernity; return to monkey

And finally, the one that stunned every editor in our office with its baffling brilliance: 


These astonishing findings are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the insight that Wellness Wednesday brings. I myself as a student can say with full certainty that I have definitely, most likely, 100% probably noticed at least one of these emails in my inbox this semester. 

The mental health crisis among students is reaching a boiling point. However, when asked about this, admin denied this was the case by saying it’s still cold outside, therefore a boiling point could not have been reached.

Truly we are unmatched in this battle of intellect. The almighty figureheads know what is best for the students. With the pandemonium of the pandemic continuing into this semester, executive decisions were made to cater to the needs of the creatures known as “college students.” An entire two days were given for rest and recuperation. Not together, silly. Then they might have time to do something, or rest, and we can’t have that, god

The University sleeps soundly knowing they have exhausted every available resource to maintain the well-being of its students. That is, of course, the most important part of a human being. Wait, these are college students, not people. That’s why they don’t need sleep!

With the stellar outcomes of these never-before-heard-of techniques like telling students to “Keep Going!”, it’s a wonder every institution of higher education hasn’t adopted this approach. After all, what students need above all else is another voice telling them what to do. 

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