Wait, you thought this was a joke? April Fools! This is a fully factual article; click here to read the study in full.

There’s an epidemic on this campus, and every other campus. No, not the reason we’re wearing masks 24/7. For the past 20 years or so, college-aged students have been collectively going through a worsening dry spell. According to a study published last month in by “Socius: Sociological Research for a Dynamic World,” young adults aged 18-23 are having less casual sex than previous college cohorts. 

There is no singular reason why students are shying away from slipping between the sheets with a stranger. However, the study does identify some “proximate sources” that could explain why single people are avoiding the after-dark tango. 

Women experienced a slight jump in voluntary celibacy, with about 19% of women reporting in 2016-2018 that they hadn’t had sex in the past year, up from 15% in 2000-2002. According to the abstract, “the decline in the frequency of drinking alcohol explains about one quarter of the drop in the propensity to have casual sex.” Don’t think too hard about the implications of that one. (Alcohol causing people to have sex they otherwise wouldn’t consent to? Inconceivable!) On the bright side, despite what this may say about party culture, there has been a significant decline in binge drinking over the past few decades. Pour one out for drinking responsibly! 

Men experienced a more dramatic increase, from about 19% to 31% during the aforementioned time periods. This was also partially due to less drinking, but also notable was “an increase in computer gaming, and the growing percentage who co[-]reside with their parents.” That’s right, more and more men are playing videogames in their parents basement, and it’s having an impact on their sex life. 

Okay, that’s all the truth for this issue of the Campus Times, folks. Back to your regularly scheduled prankgramming. Be sure to tune back in next week at www.campustimes.org for more of your favorite content.

Gotta go!

Just go down the hall, take a right, take a left, and then head 40 paces due north. There, you'll meet a large lobster.

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