In a surprising announcement from the Department of Residential Life, Housing Services, and Scaring First-Years Who Decided to Drink in Their Dorm Rooms (Reslife), the new guest policy has been declared a prank. It’s always surprising when Reslife is organized enough to announce something, let alone have a policy. Then again, they did fill two Frat houses with a diversity-focused group and a performing arts group, so they do have a sense of humor. 

The announcement began by stating that they “felt like the general prison-like aesthetic that some of the dorms have is kind of nice, and we wanted to lean into that.” 

The release continued, saying, “We thought it would be fun to tempt students into going into each other’s dorms, and then change the rules while they’re there. Then, we can have the RAs play Hungry Hungry Hippos by seeing who can write up the most people leaving buildings.” 

Some provisions from the more relaxed guest policy will remain in place. Students who skateboard on the Quad are allowed in any residential building, though the floor will be considered lava, so they must stay on their skateboards. Maces, lances, and cutlasses will still be added to the list of approved appliances, though landmines will no longer be allowed. Sea mines are, as always, permitted, provided the owner has a received approval from their academic advisor. Radioactive mice are still being added to the list of allowed lamps, but they must be shaved. Slurm is also to be added to the vending machines to encourage human lamps.

Some students who were excited for the changed policy are disappointed at the prank. “I was really excited to bring my landmines inside. I worry about them when I leave them all over the engineering quad,” said sophomore Jimmy Norwich. “But given how frequently we all flagrantly ignore the policy as it stands, the only thing that this will change is my legal liability.”

Other students felt differently, like first-year Leah Mustelid. “I kind of enjoy the excitement of sneaking people into my dorm, it wouldn’t be as fun to run my fight club without that level of danger,” Mustelid said.

The Biomedical Engineering department has, in a completely unrelated announcement, put out a call for student-employees who are big fans of radiation poisoning and know their way around a razor. When asked for comment, a spokesperson clarified, “Not the scooters.”

Despite campus-wide disappointment at the change in policy, there is one redeeming factor: The Department of Earth and Environmental Sciences has said the additional pollution from all the packaging used for mail and takeout food during the pandemic should increase the temperature in Rochester to the point where Seasonal Affective Disorder will no longer be required as part of your tuition. 

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