I felt safe writing this article, mostly because I am operating under the assumption that only a small fraction of STEM majors can actually read anything other than scatter plots and Python. Gee, I sure hope UR Robotics doesn’t send a little wheelie bot to my dorm with poorly-worded hate mail scrawled in meat-fisted crayon. I’m shaking.


This may be hard to believe, but there are two types of Biology majors. The first kind doesn’t want to go to grad school, which makes them bearable to hang out with. But few people know they exist, and that’s because pre-meds, legend has it, feast on the souls of the other type out of an insatiable thirst for both clout and the highest GPA in the class. Future M.D., Ph.D., pH, html, pdf, NAFTA… the pre-med sect love to post accolades they’ve yet to earn in their instagram bios. ​At any given time, there’s probably a flock of them after your e-board position like those seagulls going after Nemo.

Computer Science (CS)

Most CS majors openly believe that Elon Muskrat, Daddy Bezos, and Bill Gates will someday fuse forms, merging to embody one divine techno-Jesus that will deliver the (simulated) human race from climate change and all other worldly crises. Will ask you about your major, but only so they have the chance to monologue about how difficult their upcoming project is. A project which, of course, they’d have a hard time explaining to someone of your “academic background,” so just trust them that it’s really hard​, and that ​you wouldn’t understand​. The most Machiavellian of any STEM major, and would happily betray your love and trust for a fraction of a chance at being a keyboard lackey under Lord Zucc, Lizard King, for +1/+1 marketability.


Oldest mental age of all majors. Has already given up on their hopes and dreams, but joke’s on everyone else because they’ll be raking in six figures within five years of graduation, while the rest of us are busy with our quarter-life crises.

Optics (master race)

Legitimately better than you. Socially anxious, but chill to hang with if you can get past their occasional awkwardness. Departmental secret is a sacrificial pact with Bausch and Lomb that demands fresh blood in exchange for a #1 listing on Niche — all declared Optics majors are acolytes of Bausch and Lomb.

Physics (Built Different)

Not like those other STEM kids — they have their own library and their own Discord to prove it. The Physics and Astronomy Library (a total sausage fest) is where Physics kids go to roll marbles down ramps, pick each others’ brains (and probably noses), and revel in the musk of their collective superiority — or is it poor personal hygiene? Will quantify the shit out of anything. Feel threatened by emotion and anything that is not quantifiable, reproducible, or empirically verifiable. If you want to rile one up, recite a haiku or ask them for their star sign. Most secretly wish they were smart enough to be Math majors.


Chemistry majors are like COVID-19 — just because you’ve never seen one directly and none of your friends or friends’ friends are chemistry majors, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Right?


Thinks they will demystify consciousness by having staring contests with monkeys. Secretly enjoyed that time they had to scalp a live rat for science. The brain can be a fun conversation piece unless you hang around with one of these kids, in which case you should avoid any pop science on consciousness, sensory experience, or AI at all costs.

Bader-Gregory and Lopez to lead SA

Sophomore Elijah Bader-Gregory, current SA vice president, will serve as SA president next year after beating first-year Sammy Randle III…

Available now, for a limited time: Pig Syrup

The fact that this market hasn’t been tapped yet astounds me. There are so many reasons to transform into a pig!

Notes by Nadia: What’s wrong with being a fan?

I wish that people would just mind their business and stop acting like being a fan of an artist is “weird.”