As we go through life, there are some wants that we all share. As a toddler, it’s a pony. As a middle schooler, it’s a My Chemical Romance CD or tickets to Warped Tour. And as a University of Rochester student, it’s a declining daddy. Here are some tips to get the cash-burning, free food-giving declining daddy of your dreams!*

  1. Start a dining plan-specific OnlyFans with different perks for various items.
    • These membership tiers may bring tears to your eyes, but it’s worth it for Pit fries. Just make sure to use an alias that grad schools won’t detect. Alternatively, “entrepreneur” sounds pretty good on a resume… and you really could use those LinkedIn endorsements.
  2. Ask your RA/TA/workshop leader to “snag coffee” and then “forget your ID.”
    • The classic bait-and-switch. 
    • Don’t blame this list if your grades “unexpectedly take a hit” (see disclaimer).
  3. Stand in the Starbucks line (on the dots, of course) until someone notices your puppy dog eyes.
    • As long as you promise to pass it on later, you’re in the clear, right?
  4. Literally beg in someone’s Instagram DMs. 
    • Pull a “hey girlie!!!!”
    • Right along the lines of the last one, just a bit more desperate. Sometimes, you just have to commit, even if it means sounding like a pyramid scheme plug.
    • If you’re really desperate, join an MLM. You can get that bag AND be your own girlboss? Sounds pretty lucrative.
  5. Go on Tinder and really play the long con.
    • Dating is hard. You know what’s even harder? Getting free food! Use your schmoozing and swooning skills to your advantage to get some free nuggies from the Pit (or, y’know, maybe some real food).
  6. Use the floor group chat to your advantage — have no shame!
    • At least with GroupMe, people can automatically meme your pitiful, pitiful ask.
    • Far more risky to try in the area Discord server, but maybe an unsuspecting administrator will take pity on your poor unfortunate soul.
  7. Go off the whispers on the street (or just in Hillside).
    • Bonus points for snagging a cashier on the inside who helps you scope out the Rocky’s Subs simps.

*The Campus Times takes no responsibility for the consequences of trying any of these tips. Success is not guaranteed. Results may vary. Talk to your Doctor (Chatbot) if you think a Declining Daddy may be right for you.

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