2020: The Wilson Commons entrance alarm started going off. No one thought much more than it being a small annoyance before they walked into the Pit. We joked around about how annoying it was. We thought it was funny…

2021: The alarms became more and more regular. Soon enough they were ringing every day in Wilco. There were endless complaints. They had no idea how much ruin was in store for us all.

2024: This was the beginning of the end. There used to be reliable places on campus to get away from the sound. Then one day, as the students in Douglass Dining waited in line for a bowl of soggy pasta floating in basil oil…..  BEEEEErrRR… BEEEEErrRR…  BEEEEErrRR… the alarm spread to Douglass. Mass havoc arose on campus. Students emptied the dining halls, becoming so desperate that they even raided the gluten-free pantry. They’d rather eat a cookie that tastes like sand than nothing. 

2025: The noise spread to the libraries and residential halls. The constant ringing was inescapable.

2027: After a few years the alarm invoked a certain craze in the students. The ring in the ears of the nerds convinced them they were in the world of Luke and Leia Skywalker. The Optics students converted first. They started small, wearing robes whenever they all sat down for Douglass dinner. Then they officially established their cult. “The Knights of the Jedi Order” was added to the clubs on CCC. They even convinced the administrators to give them funds for free lightsabers and a Jedi sanctuary in the Eastman Quad. 

2028: The constant ringing in their ears and the University’s favoritism for the Optics students enraged the other engineering majors. They painted the tunnels black and created an underground Sith headquarters. Hutchison was quickly taken over and turned into a droid factory. Soon every STEM major had been possessed by the alarm and had chosen a side. The humanities majors simply sat back and watched the destruction. The entertainment held back their complaints. The ringing persisted.

To be continued… 

Love languages: is it science?

There is science behind oxytocin — the “love hormone” — but love is so multidimensional that it’s hard to settle on one universal meaning for all.

There’s a dress in my closet

One day I know that I will wear that dress out. I know that it will bring me queer joy.

Jungle your juice

In case you have yet to juice your jungle, I am here to rock your world (respectfully). You’ve got the funny juice. You love the funny juice!