Like you, I love carving pumpkins for Halloween. I’m not particularly good at it, but I’m not bad either, and it’s a great way to stab things without going to prison. The problem is, you only have about a month to carve your pumpkin and let it sit around outside.

After Nov. 1 the holiday theme has changed, and you need new gourds to put in visible places around your dwelling. I suggest an acorn squash. Acorn squash is a nice gourd.

However, with the decline of the carved pumpkin as the winter winds approach, one must find a way to dispose of one’s pumpkins. Here are a few ideas from me to you:

Wear them as hats. This one is not for the faint of heart. Old pumpkins often smell bad and are slimy. But, if you’re lucky and bold enough to go out in public with a pumpkin on your head, someone might say “cool hat,” and that would be nice. Also you’d be safe to look at endermen.

Hide them. This option may be slightly irresponsible, as hiding a pumpkin is not actually disposing of it properly. But if you tell your friends that you’ve hidden it and they look for it, it’s a scavenger hunt instead. I recommend hiding the pumpkin behind furniture, inside the spare tire of your friend’s car, or in a toilet. No one will ever spot it there. It also might blend in with the leaves if you leave it outside. Just make sure the squirrels can’t get it.

Throw them at things. Pumpkin chunkin is a time honored tradition. One of the STEM departments does it every year. I think it’s the Optics people? I’d suggest CS but they don’t usually go outside. Now, while ~official~ pumpkin chunkin activities usually require that you simply throw them at a field, I recommend instead that you throw your pumpkin at buildings you dislike. Do you think Wegmans is too bumpy? Throw a pumpkin at it. Mad that Genesee is so nice? Pumpkin. Wish Optikale were open? Goergen gets a pumpkin, too.

These are just a few ideas to get your mind running. There are lots of other things you can do with a pumpkin. You could make them into houses for woodland critters, you could experiment on them to create mutant gourds, or you could stab them until they’re mush. The possibilities are endless.

If you’re in the DC area and you like to group things by color, you could even leave them at the White House. And while you’re at it, you can help figure out what to do with the pumpkin that lives there when we get rid of it in January. I suggest prison, but it might end up in Russia all on its own first.

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