For those of us who suffer from IBS and UTS (Upset Tummy Syndrome), knowing where the best, cleanest, and most private bathrooms are is always a necessity that can make life go by a little smoother (if you know what I mean *exaggerated wink*). In fact, the first thing I do when I go anywhere is request the floor plans of the building and assess the fastest routes to every bathroom on the map.

Now, with COVID-19 on the rise, finding a CLEAN and less-crowded bathroom is evermore pressing for the average student.

I took the liberty of assessing the University’s bathrooms and developing a ranking system to determine which are the best for these troubling times. Before I begin, I am required by journalistic law to state that I am an incredibly biased and unreliable source. As a result, my information is based only on women’s bathrooms in buildings that I’m frequently in (which aren’t the buildings anyone else is in, ever).

Anyway, here’s the article, formatted how my little humanities brain imagines a lab report would be.

*Note: not to scale, unitless

Bathroom Cleanliness Privacy and Traffic Convenience Special Features & Overall Atmosphere Total
All-Gender between Q&i and Gleason, near printers 52

But it’s usually closed for cleaning


Completely enclosed horse stalls


That is, if you study in Q&i…


Element of surprise!

You might run into that professor whose class you’ve skipped 3 weeks in a row


Much privacy, can spend time googling your symptoms and panicking without anyone knowing.

Morey Floor 2 Eh.

Always something weird in sink.


No one is ever in there, but if there were, you would know.

B 69

Great reading material *wink*

Especially so you don’t have to touch your phone with your stinky poopoo COVID hands

Hot and clammy.

Todd Basement No.

Weird gel leaks from ceiling


No one is there to hear you grunt. At the end of creepy, dark, narrow hall


For pre-WRUR anxiety poops


Weird yellow velvet couch and lounge chair. Toilet is situated at a 45-degree angle from the door (only in the second stall, though)


Amazing vibe. Absolutely wonderful. But don’t know how often it is cleansed, if ever. Personal fav

Outside Hubbell Auditorium LITERALLY FUCK THIS BATH ROOM

Use literally any other bathroom in Hutch

Starbucks Middle.

Infested with Rona??…


High traffic area, always people around, but no one next to you…  haha… unless…



Strong Basement 6 Medium 0

Not near anything.

T60 = ∞

Too much resonance.


Safe bet, but you are always at risk of making eye contact with someone through the large door gaps.


Tagged: bathrooms Poop

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