Last Saturday, “sexy Swarm Monitor” Jane Greene, clad in an XL bright yellow Swarm Monitor tee shirt and fishnet stockings, marched up the door to the Halloween party at Zeta Eta Theta, only to be rejected from entering. 

“It’s a risk issue. We can’t have people thinking that she might actually be a SWARM monitor,” ZET president Chad Jones told the Campus Times. “Those dudes have important jobs and people need to know who to go to there […]What if someone needed something important and they asked her thinking she was a brother? We just can’t have that happening here. We take this really seriously.”

Chad declined to comment on the allegedly sky-high percentage of brothers who had been caught drinking while on duty.

“She’s making fun of those of us who are just trying to keep it safe here,” Risk Manager Tom Thomas said. “I give up a lot by being more sober than usual tonight and she’s making a mockery of what I’m doing! Imagine if we didn’t have SWARM monitors at parties, who would tell you to get off the steps?” 

Kappa Omicron Delta brother and junior Tyler Bradford recalled that it probably didn’t help her case to walk up the steps against the shouting of many KOD Brothers. 

“Get off my steps!” Greene allegedly yelled at the crowd waiting to get into the party. 

“No one is getting in until MY steps are clear,” Greene added, breezing past the crowd to stand by the brothers. 

“It was honestly kinda funny,” Bradford said. “I mean, the boys do kinda take this oddly seriously. It’s almost like a power trip. Like, my dude, it’s a three-dollar shirt.” 

Bradford, who is a Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major, described the events as a performance about gender. “I mean, it’s there within the role of a SWARM monitor. They get excited to see the power dynamic of choosing specifically who gets in and who doesn’t when the party seems full. By her making it ‘sexy,’ she’s not only objectifying the men that objectify the crowd, but reclaiming the power they once had. Also, it’s a super cheap costume.”

It was with a start that Greene awoke in a pool of sweat, as she realized that she had dreamed the entire thing. There are no GSWS majors in fraternities. And there are no frat Halloween parties this year either. Probably. Hopefully.

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