ROCHESTER, NY — According to many sources on the University’s historic River Campus, there are yellowjackets absolutely all over the goddamn place. The little yellow bastards are reportedly climbing around on people’s clothes, slurping up any sugary drinks in view, and even crawling into those cardboard containers from the dining halls.

Not displaying even the slightest shred of basic goddamn decency, the tiny freaks have buzzed right in the ears of a large proportion of students, faculty, and staff and gotten this close — this close — to stinging them. Despite the yellowjacket’s long association with UR, many on campus have been surprised that they’ve actually been bold enough to show their disgusting little bug faces on campus, as if we’re not dealing with enough already.

“I know they’re our mascot, but I thought it was a weird old sports slogan, or maybe that they used to be here, but they’d been killed off by climate change or pesticides or something,” said a student who wished to remain anonymous for fear of insectile retribution. “God, I wish.”

“A lot of people think that yellowjackets are related to bees, mostly because of their similar size and coloring, but yellowjackets are lying little fuckers who try to look like something they’re not, and they’re actually wasps,”  Z.O. Wilbert, an entomologist in the Department of Biology, said.

“They build their gross little nests out of wood pulp that they chew up and spit out like a bunch of total perverts. And they’ll build them in just about any kind of protected place — bushes, tree stumps, animal burrows, artificial structures, hell, even natural holes in the ground — you name it, they’ll just waltz right in like it’s their fuckin’ birthday,” Wilbert said. “Their family, Hymenoptera, has been around for 250 million years, longer than the goddamn dinosaurs, and current research suggests that for each and every second of the last two million centuries, they’ve been colossal, unrepentant dicks.”

At the time of publication it is unknown who these winged creeps think they are, what they think gives them the right, or where they get off, but rest assured that the Campus Times’ top reporters are on the case.

What we do know, however, is that they’re still flying around like they own the goddamn place and have no plans to stop until it’s already too fucking cold to enjoy being outside anyway. When asked for comment on the seemingly ever-growing number of yellowjackets on campus, President Sarah Mangelsdorf replied, “Fuck, dude. There sure are.”


Editor’s note: No yellowjackets responded to the CT’s requests for an interview, further reinforcing their status as absolute dillweeds.

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