“Masks are useless compared to the awesome power of the mighty Danforth pizza,” Dr. Ray Calzone, researcher at Strong Memorial Hospital, said. “In a miraculous — and financially convenient — breakthrough, we have found that groups of college students packed into dining hall booths are proven to be immune from COVID-19, as the food emits some sort of antimicrobial radiation.”

Calzone has been focused on food safety among wild baboons for most of his career, but pivoted to human food safety due to the pandemic. “While the medical researchers here at Strong have proven the power of food, we’ve sent samples of dining hall food to astrophysicists in other labs to find the source of its mysterious powers,” Calzone continued.

Based on this research, University policy has shifted from mandatory social distancing and masks to allow for shoulder-to-shoulder seating and even makeout booths in Hirst Lounge’s food zone. Administrators are also considering returning to all in-person classes on the condition that students be eating at all times. Students in labs that require face protection will be given special protective equipment that includes a built-in feed trough.

Out on the Wilson Quad, just a few dozen from the study’s focus, hundreds of first years packed like sardines for movie night were protected by their mozzarella sticks and Rocky’s subs. As their food shields slowly disappeared, the University’s goons (known to some as the half dozen RAs who care enough to comment) separated the bunch. Without food, social distancing is required on campus.

“Once the movie starts and the Pit food is gone, the dangers of COVID-19 become a serious threat to public health on campus,” sophomore Ethan Busch, one of the University’s key policy-enforcing RAs, explained. “We must prevent foodless interaction.”

Junior Tim Thompson, sitting masklessly in a newly-constructed gazebo with 17 of his closest friends, was ecstatic about the policy changes. “Because social distancing is required at all times, and I can’t have any visitors, the news that food prevents coronavirus spread has completely saved my social life,” Thompson said. “I can’t wait for the pizza party at Phi Upsilon Delta tonight! I wonder if a flavored condom counts as food?”

Calzone also released his plan to study how pinky promises not to get sick mitigate the dangers of the bird flu. Keep an eye out for his research in the coming months!

Tagged: COVID-19 food mask


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