We all have problems. I’m sure, for instance, that your econ test really tested your patience. 

But no one is coming to save you. No one is going to rescue you or pull you out of the never-ending cacophony of boy drama and roommate woes.

These are trying times. The world is burning. Children are dying. People who steal Grubhub orders walk among us.

Do these terrors mean there is no God? Who can say?

One thing we know for sure is that Danny DeVito, that glorious 4-foot-10-inch ball of pure sex and charisma, is the closest thing we have to a savior.

But even he’s not coming to save us. 

Does this Adonis have the mental space to think about some random school in a frozen tundra? The answer to that should be clear.

He hasn’t thought about UR even once. Not a single, miniscule time.

Never once has he asked himself, “Why won’t the quad fox die?”  or “Why is everyone so obsessed with giving out succulents in Wilco?” He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t care. He has more pressing issues to attend to. There are beauty pageants to plan, troll tolls to calculate, and eggs to give out to those in trying times. 

But not to you, or anyone in this school. Because you are nothing to him.

The time I almost died

I don’t know exactly what happened, but something went wrong. I was busy laughing about something when suddenly, I heard a deafening noise.

Smartest Simon Business School student

Professors offer extra credit to students willing to do their dirty work.

The only reliable thing about the shuttle system is its ability to drive me crazy

The bus schedule is many things, so I’ll tell you what it isn’t. Reliable. On-time. Consistent.