We all know that when the Fifth Amendment was passed, the United States took a great step forward in the realm of rights by prohibiting double jeopardy. Then came Merv Griffin, who decided to make double jeopardy not just commonplace, but also popular. “Jeopardy!” was born.

The trivia game, known for its special phrasing of answers as question and sometimes-witty clues, remains among the most-viewed shows on television. Millions of Americans spend half an hour of their lives on weeknights trying to show their family members that they are somewhat smart instead of, you know, talking to them.

Yet for years, the show was without a true ruler. Was it the sonorously-named Ken Jennings? A computer that probably cheated using Wikipedia? Your grandparents, who watched nightly?

We now have a true king. On Jan. 14, Jennings was crowned the Greatest of All Time on the popular television show “Jeopardy!” Jennings defeated longtime rival Brad Rutter and newcomer James Holzhauer, and is now even occasionally recognized when walking down the street. 

“Greatness is not about knowing all the answers; it’s a state of mind,” Jennings said. “To become the greatest really required mastering the mental aspect of the game. Well, that and figuring out how to turn off Brad’s buzzer. You have to clip the right wires, or else he’ll realize nothing’s happening and order a hit on my family again. We sure do like to have a lot of fun on set!”

Rutter, who came in third in all four of the matches in the first-to-three-wins series, was his usual down-to-earth, charming, handsome self. “What can I say? Ken outplayed me,” Brad said. “I originally was upset that I finally lost to a human and not that godless creation Watson, and I was unsure what the next chapter of my life would look like. Now I know: petty vengeance, basically forever!”

Brad already has plans for overcoming his post-”Jeopardy!” slump. “I remembered that even though Ken now has more money than me, I still have millions, and I’ve decided to spend much of it plastering every billboard in Ken’s native Seattle with a picture of my face,” he said.

James Holzhauer, known to true “Jeopardy!”-heads for his extremely specific bets, big-money wins, and lack of fan base, also tried to work himself into the conversation. We at the Campus Times forgot to write his comments down.

From now on, when people think about the legacy of “Jeopardy!”, they will think about Ken Jennings almost as quickly as they think about Alex Trebek or grandma yelling at the TV. 

I’ll take “Nerds” for $800, Alex.

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