The Campus Times is dismayed yet unsurprised to report that the Oscars have blown it again. By trying to please everyone, the Academy has picked Oscar-bait mediocrity while making tepid gestures of acknowledgement towards the exceptional. Sure, “Parasite” was nominated for Best Picture, but nothing embodies missing the point like finally giving a foreign-language film that recognition while ignoring its brilliant Korean actors in favor of forgettable American performances.

In the interest of helping the Academy understand what it missed, CT has taken on the task of giving you what you deserve: some real film awards.

We present… the first nominees for the Wilfords!


Most Sinister Use of U.S. Copyright and IP Law

  • “Avengers: Endgame”
  • “Lady and the Tramp” (2019)
  • “Star Wars IX: Rise of Who Fucking Cares”

Best Scene Featuring Accidental ASMR

  • Anthony Hopkins Eats a Pizza (“The Two Popes”)
  • Al Pacino Says “Fraud” (“The Irishman”)
  • Brad Pitt Stirs Easy Mac (“Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood”)
  • Jessica, Only Child, Illinois, Chicago (“Parasite”)

Best Ellipsis Usage

  • “Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood”
  • “Once Upon a Time in… Hollywood”
  • “Once Upon… a Time in Hollywood”
  • “Once… Upon a Time in Hollywood”
  • “… Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”

Best Obligatory Movie About Journalism And/Or Hollywood

  • “Dark Waters”
  • “Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood”
  • “Pain and Glory”

Littlest Woman

  • Saoirse Ronan (“Little Women”)
  • Emma Watson (“Little Women”)
  • Florence Pugh (“Little Women”)
  • Eliza Scanlen (“Little Women”)
  • Timothee Chalamet (“Little Women”) 

Best Ugly Cry

  • Adam Sandler is so sad; he’s so fucked up (“Uncut Gems”)
  • Florence Pugh can never go home because she’s in such trouble (“Little Women”)
  • Leonardo DiCaprio is Rick Fuckin’ Dalton (“Once… Upon… A… Time… In… Burbank”)
  • Willem DaFoe is not a good cook (“The Lighthouse”)
  • Florence Pugh can never go home because she’s now an accessory to murder in Sweden (“Midsommar”)

Best Scarlett Johansson Performance

  • Nicole Barber (“Marriage Story”)
  • Rosie Betzler (“Jojo Rabbit”)
  • Scholarly Rock (“Parasite”)

Best Movie That You Will Totally Watch, It’s On Your List, You Just Need To Find The Time

  • “Honeyland”
  • “Honey Boy”
  • “American Honey” (fourth year of eligibility)
  • “The Masked Singer: Tokyo Drift”
  • “15 minute Youtube video your friend sent you”
  • “Marriage Story”

Best Picture, According to your Dad

  • “1917”
  • “Ford v. Ferrari”
  • “The Irishman”
  • “Blinded by the Light”

Best Picture, According to your Uncle

  • “Richard Jewell”
  • “Uncut Gems” (or, as he calls it, “The Julia Fox Movie”)
  • “Shaft”
  • “Fansville Season 2 Finale”

Riskiest Movie to Show Your Parents

  • “Uncut Gems”
  • “Hustlers”
  • “The Farewell” (Mom will cry when you get lunch at Cheesecake Factory afterward and that’ll be, like, the rest of your afternoon)
  • “Cats”

Congratulations to all of the nominees (except “Cats”)!

Tagged: movies

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