University President Sarah Mangelsdorf has announced the addition of a new hallway to the UR tunnel system. The tunnel will connect Dewey Hall to the Carlson Science and Engineering Library. To reduce traffic, walking, skipping, longboarding, and leapfrogging will be prohibited in the hallway. The only permissible mode of progressing through the tunnel will be Naruto running.
If you are unsure what Naruto running is, you aren’t alone. Naruto running is a style of running in which one bends forward at the waist and holds their arms out behind them, elbows locked, in a “V” shape. (For more detailed instructions on how to Naruto run see the WikiHow article here.)
Mangelsdorf’s decision follows the completion of research by Associate Professor of Biomedical Engineering Sakura Haruno. Haruno’s research involved examining the stress of different running forms on the body, their efficiency, and their aerodynamics. Other postures considered in the study included running backwards following a dizzy bat, running with one’s arms out to the side while making airplane noises, running with one high heel on, and running while very drunk.
“Naruto running is the optimal way for people to run both biomechanically and aerodynamically,” Haruno said. “In fact, we have been working with our athletic programs to see if Naruto running could give our athletes an edge.”
The decision to create this new hallway came following a series of accidents.
Public Safety Director Mark Fischer described one such incident: “A student was zooming through the Engineering Quad in standard Naruto running fashion when he slammed into another student. Both students proceeded to fall and roll several yards before coming to a rest. Fortunately, neither student received any major injuries.”
In addition to on-campus traffic, there have also been some suspicious happenings in the historic Mt. Hope Cemetery. Naruto-shaped holes have appeared in the fences and imprints with the characteristic leaned forward posture with arms back have been left on mausoleums and gravestones.
“The cemetery is a treasured site for both the University and the community at large. While I respect the students’ desire to practice their Naruto running, they cannot be damaging historic sites,” Fischer said.
The tunnel is an exciting addition to campus, and there are even more planned. The next additions will be branches off this tunnel including an entrance to Wegmans made out of recycled shopping carts and a tunnel directly to the Center for Advising Services for biomedical engineering majors who have just given up.
Correction (5/18/20): A previous version of this article — in both the headline and within the article itself — misspelled the name of the University President. Her name is Sarah Mangelsdorf, not Manglesdorf.