Mixed feelings abounded during a recent Board of Trustees meeting as University President Joel Seligman announced that the University’s weather machine had finally been fixed — by none other than the Night King himself.

“It seemed perfect,” Seligman said. “This guy has winter trademarked, so if anyone could fix Rochester’s weather, it’s the Night King. Plus, he has stellar credentials — degrees in civil engineering and thanatology from Hardhome University.”

Thanatology, according to the Encyclopedia Britannica, is the “study of death and dying.” It was unclear if Seligman was referring to the frequent cold snaps that kill off any flowers that attempt to bloom each spring, or something more sinister.

The news was not well-received, however, due to the Night King’s demand that he raise an army of the dead from Mt. Hope Cemetery. He also demanded that Board of Trustees member Raymond Stark answer for his family’s attempts to “destroy my army.”

The demands drew swift and strong condemnation from most of the board, but none more so than Stark himself.

“This guy must be crazy,” Stark said. “Just because my last name is Stark doesn’t mean that I’m related to some character from a show I don’t even watch.”

Stark was seen leaving the meeting in a heavy fur coat, Valyrian steel sword hanging on his waist, muttering, “Winter is coming.” He has not responded by email or raven to our Maester’s requests for comment.

The Board of Trustees also discussed the significant financial difficulties facing UR.

“I’m happy to say that many major projects on the River Campus were completed this past summer,” Senior Associate Vice President for University Facilities and Services Bruce Bashwiner testified. “But now we face a problem: The University spent so much money on construction this summer that it no longer has the funding to build the wall ordered by last year’s SA president.”

An interview following the meeting with Bashwiner revealed that Martino had drawn up plans for magic to be carved into the construction to keep out even the worst white supremacists and White Walkers.
While the Board of Trustees debated the fate of the River Campus, and Rochester as a whole, SA President Jordan Smith called an emergency meeting over the summer to address the SA budget for the upcoming academic year.

“I know I speak for the students who voted for us when I say that we need this wall,” Smith said at Monday’s meeting. “Your vote isn’t just a vote for funding clubs; it’s a vote for protecting this beautiful campus.”

SA Senate, however, was divided on the issue.

“Sure, I want to keep the campus safe, but I feel like it would be more effective to invest in training students to protect themselves,” sophomore legislative aide Lenny Star said afterward in the Goergen Athletic Center. “Why build a wall when you can just beat zombies with a well-placed kick with your dragonglass-studded cleats? I’m training to take down Viserion with a flaming javelin. Take that, Night King!”

“A wall is pointless if a dragon can just destroy it,” said junior legislative aide Joy Grey.

“We have all the resources we need to win right here,”she said.

Other aides were supportive of the measure.

“You’re not beating back 100,000 zombies with swords and daggers,” senior legislative aide John Aaron said. “If we had a wall, we wouldn’t need to worry about the undead flooding campus, and taking our loved ones away.”

Also supporting the measure to fund the wall is Public Safety, which released the following statement: “DPS strongly supports the measure to build the Wall around campus and strongly urges all senators to vote in favor of the measure when it is proposed in September. Construction of the Wall will not only help keep students safe from White Walkers and creepy clowns living in the past, but it will also help us avoid having to arrest students for possessing a weapon on campus.”

For now, the deadlock continues.

Zumba in medicine, the unexpected crossover

Each year at URMC, a new cohort of unsuspecting pediatrics residents get a crash course. “There are no mistakes in Zumba,” Gellin says.

Live updates: Wallis Hall sit-ins

Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…

5 students banned from campus for Gaza solidarity encampment

UR has been banning community members from campus since November for on-campus protests, but the first bans for current students were issued this weekend.