Dear Brian,

All of my friends go out drinking every weekend, but I’ve never drunk beer before. I want to try it, but I feel like I might make a fool of myself and regret it. What should I do?

—Dan Edwards

Okay, so I ran out of questions again. Unfortunately, this means that I had to go sifting again through Dan’s rotten shoebox of grotesque inquiries. Nothing printable was turning up, until I discovered the above question scrawled on the back of another about whether or not “Furry Nation” counted as a real country.

You see, ever since I was a kid, I’ve been an extremely strong beer drinker. In middle school, I was given nicknames like “Gulping Lord” and “The Beer-Drink Master” by the principal, who was my friend. In high school, I won first place in the county science fair with my project, entitled “Schlurpin’ Down Fat Siploads of Friggin Beer through a Got Damn Bendy Straw,” in which I managed to conclusively prove my hypothesis that beer is good for putting in your mouth.

I remember how one time, I was at a beer factory, and the damn place caught on fire. Everyone was like, “oh damn, oh no, all our building is gonna be burnt,” but I knew exactly how to save the day. I stuck my little brew-sucker on the tap of the main beer container and slurped up 30 gallons of “That Good Stuff.” The factory workers rejoiced, believing that my plan was to spit the beer  out to fight the fire, but my love of that very tasty drink got the better of me. I swallowed all the beer and let that silly factory burn down.

As you can see, Dan, it’s difficult for me to appreciate your perspective. To a card-carrying guzzle-monster like myself, it’s difficult to even conceptualize sobriety, let alone achieve it. On the other hand, I hesitate to recommend that you try beer out. I mean, after two whole decades of not drinking, it’s possible that even one sip of that sweet, sweet sauce would cause you permanent psychological damage. So I guess my advice is that I’m very good at chugging, baby.

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