Dear Brian,

Dining hall food makes my stomach hurt, and I’m all out of Declining. What can I do to avoid going hungry?

 —Dan Willis

Ah, finally, a problem I can actually relate to. Fasten your diaper-straps, Danny: I’m about to give advice the crap out of to you about this.

As we all know, the food at this school is blazingly mediocre. Danforth pizza tastes like recycled textbooks and the tendies at the Pit smack of stifled youthful dreams. Surrounded by such unappealing options, one can’t help but look for other sources of nourishment.

This is where I can help. I’m currently a senior, and I haven’t eaten on campus since the end of my freshman year. How is this possible? Through the magic of a little trick I call smart-being.

Let’s say it’s lunchtime and you’re looking for something to eat. Well, how about a stomach full of acrylonitrile butadiene styrene? Yum. Head on over to Rettner Hall, where you can 3-D–print the meal of your dreams. The human body is an amazing specimen: after sufficient exposure to this delicious thermoplastic polymer, the stomach learns to process it, stealing oxygen from hemoglobin to synthesize makeshift glucose. Not a bad deal, huh? Endless free meals at the low, low price of eventually having colon cancer.

Of course, if you don’t think your gut’s up to that particular challenge, there are other options. For one, you could wrap yourself in ferns and jump in front of the OMEGA laser. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure that the resulting process of photosynthesis will be so powerful that the fern cells will run out of room for all the energy they produce, and the excess sugar will leak into your bloodstream through the skin.  By the way, I’m legally obligated to inform you that this will also result in colon cancer.

What, those approaches don’t appeal to you? Well, aren’t you a picky little prince. There is one other way. If you are like me and were born with a USB 2.0 port nestled into that nook between the start of the butt crack and the top of the anus, then you could what I do for nourishment: jack up to the BlueHive supercomputing cluster and download the entire internet into your ass. As it turns out, memes are incredibly nutritious. Unfortunately, though, they’re pitifully low-fiber. That’s right. You guessed it. Ya boy’s got himself some colon cancer.

Well, Dan, I hope this helps. Yes, it’s demoralizing to eat the same garbage food for four years, but there will always be alternatives, especially in such a hotbed of emergent technologies as UR. And look on the bright side: if Social Security goes under, we all have delicious Soylent Green to look forward to. Yum—old people!



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