After leaving the day-to-day hustle of becoming ever better to pursue becoming ever fatter this past winter break, I’ve found myself with a lot of time to stew on and ponder deep thoughts. Things such as “should I tell my family I’m feelin’ the Bern?” and “How can I improve myself in order to truly get shwifty?” all crossed my mind. But, after I watched Ryan Fitzpatrick and the Jets thow away their hopes for a productive season a few Sundays ago, all I could think about were ways to make this violent game we foolishly called football safer.

I mean, sure, they have helmets, pads, and the weight of the entire officiating staff (if you’re Tom Brady), but I’m not convinced that’s enough. Players would be much less likely to damage each other if all the padding was just removed entirely. Maybe just have a guard for the sensitive area, like the shins.

On the topic of hitting people, we need to talk about time. For starters, all of that time in between plays and every other time the clock stops just gives players the opportunity to recover and hit each other harder on the next play. I think the obvious solution is not to stop the clock for anything except the half; players would be much more likely to take it easy if they couldn’t stop and rest after destroying someone from the other team, and it would make the players generally thinner and fitter individuals.

At this point, I thought I had it all figured out. As I sat there eating some mediocre pumpkin pie and thinking of how it could be so much better, I realized that the fundamental components of the pie were the culprits. This held true for football as well. Players run too fast with the ball in their hands; they should kick it with their feet instead. The ball is too oblong to be kicked on the ground, so that would have to go as well and be replaced with a round one. Obviously, just making it to the end zone at this point would be too easy, so replacing it with some sort of upright rectangle with a net seems like the best solution. And maybe, just make a touchdown worth one point instead of seven. That one is for the fans.

Satisfied, I submitted my findings to the NFL in the hope that they will see my vision for a game that is much safer and that will lose none of the pace and excitement that makes football the beloved sport it is around the world.

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