Narrowly avoiding default on its most recent debt, it is rumored that Greece has decided it is in the country’s best interest to search for a new currency. The remaining countries in the Eurozone are quite pleased, calling this event the “Grexit.”An official from Germany who has requested to remain anonymous stated, “We are delighted with this move and have seen it coming for months. Although the term ‘Grexit’ originally meant ‘Greece exit,’ we feel the better meaning, ‘great exit.’ It really benefits all parties involved.”

With its economy in shambles, Greece felt it needed to adopt an already established currency. The first thought was an investment in declining dollars at the University of Rochester, but this idea was quickly revoked by Greece’s economists. Alexis Tsipras’s head economic advisor commented, “The conversion rate that the University offered on declining dollars was through the roof! Charging us $2765 equivalent for $2155 declining dollars in return was worse than the interest rate from all of our bailouts combined. The clear investment option for us is URos.”

When asked to comment on the investor in URos, Joel Seligman preferred to remain  off-the-record, but hinted that the plan has been in the works since 2010. A math professor noted, “The school has asked the University’s math department to attempt to have students view this addition from a different angle. Have they noticed the “Think Theta” campaign?”

The minor details of the transaction, such as the suggestion of opening a new gyro place in Collegetown, are still being worked out. Additionally, a request has been submitted to rename Fraternity and Sorority Affairs “Roman Life” due to anticipated confusion when Greek nationals visit Rochester to spend their new currency. Additionally, it is highly suspect that Wegmans is attempting to expand their business to incorporate the University of Rochester into their clientele. This is believed to be due to the rapid increase in patrons using URos as well as the generous donation of a new building on campus.

Kuhrt is a member of the class of 2017.



UR Baseball beats Hamilton and RIT

Yellowjackets baseball beat Hamilton College on Tuesday and RIT on Friday to the scores of 11–4 and 7–4, respectively.

An open letter to all members of any university community

I strongly oppose the proposed divestment resolution. This resolution is nothing more than another ugly manifestation of antisemitism at the University.

Riseup with Riseman

“I decided to make one for fun — really poor quality — and I put it on my Instagram just to see how people would react," Riseman said.