Dear Chris: I spend all day doing work and, every night when I get into my bed, right as I close my eyes, I can’t help but hear a rhythmic pounding coming from the room above me. I hear grunts, and for the life of me I can’t figure out what they’re doing or how to stop it.

-From, Restless

Chris: Ah! They’re probably just dribbling a basketball around or practicing their tennis grunts. Basketball and tennis are things that young adults do, so don’t be frustrated. However, playing tennis indoors could get dangerous. Maybe slip an informational pamphlet about the game of tennis to ensure the people in the room above you practice safe sets.

Dear Chris: Tests always remind me that no matter what I do, I get the lowest result. Is there anything I can do to change this?

-Yours truly, Hopeless

I am afraid not. But, you should see this skill as a gift. You should try golf.

Dear Chris: There’s a “Dear Chris” column in my school’s paper, and, no offense, Chris gives terrible, useless and unusable advice. Can I fix this?

-Please help, Flustered

Chris: I think the first thing you should do for this writer, Chris, is to try to get in touch with him. This could be with an email, a letter or even confronting Chris in his column. I think if you pointed out his inadequacy in the form of a question, there would be absolutely no chance he could overlook or misinterpret your criticism, unless he is a completely incompetent fool.

Dear Chris: I am a senior in high school, and currently my choices for schools have been narrowed down to UR and RIT. I envision completing my undergrad at UR, but RIT seems to be just as enticing.

-Thank you, Unsure

Chris: This is a tricky scenario, so I actually had to do some research on this one. As it turns out, according to a few reports, attending RIT would significantly reduce your chances of graduating from UR. If you are really 50-50, you could always try flipping a coin. Heads you attend UR; tails you don’t attend RIT. Also, one thing that makes UR different from a lot of schools is its Rochester location, so you should take this into account when picking between the two schools.

Dear Chris: I found someone’s wallet full of money  and a driver’s license on the ground today, what should I do with it?

-Sincerely, Huckle Buckle Beanstalk

Chris: For one, don’t message them on Facebook or email them, that’ll be what they’re expecting. It’s too predictable. Right now, you have the upper hand, and you don’t want to lose it.

Horgan is a member of
the class of 2017.

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