1. The Utah House of Representatives has voted to restore the use of execution by firing squad. 

Although this leaves convicted criminals on the wrong end of things, it most importantly gives aspiring executioners a shot.

2. An Ohio man pleaded guilty to selling fake urine for drug tests. 

That’s what you get when your career entails watching your hard work go down the drain.

3. An Australian woman won the annual race up the Empire State Building with a time of just 12 minutes.

When asked how she felt after the race, she replied, “It feels good to be on top.”

4. A gigantic sign reading, “Keep your eyes on the road” is being put up on a highway in the Midwest. 

Again, a big, distracting sign is being put up to ensure that drivers keep their eyes on the road.

5. A crash on an interstate in Alabama was caused by a trucker pulling a tooth. 

“I was out of money for the toll and there was a pillow in the passenger seat,” said the driver.

6. Former Knicks guard JR Smith participated in the NBA’s first fashion show in New York this past weekend.

This marks the first time in a while that JR gave a solid performance in Madison Square Garden.

7. A gun found inside of a book was donated to a Maine Goodwill store.

This was the book’s attempt to scare off anyone who tried to judge it by its cover.

8. Police in New Hampshire have issued an arrest warrant for Punxsutawney Phil for not predicting the “mountainous” amounts of snow.

For Punxsutawney Phil, we can expect at least six more weeks of prison.

9. An angry owl in an Oregon park attacked its fourth victim.

Witnesses claimed that the owl proclaimed, “filthy muggles,” after the unexpected attack.

Horgan is a member of
the class of 2017.



Help, Geedis is leaking again

Geedis is softly whispering to you as you drift into sleep. There is a low growling sound coming from the trees. Will you do his bidding?

CT Eats: Golden Harvest serves gooey cinnamon rolls, bulky donuts for cheap

The donuts are the thickest I’ve ever seen, at approximately 1.5 inches, making the donut and the massive cinnamon roll well worth the $3.50.

The solution to all of your problems

I feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins, giving me the power of 10 elephants. With one vitamin gummy, I can lift cars.