This past Monday, the University of Rochester announced that it was officially changing the school’s motto from “Meliora,” which translates into “Ever Better,” to the more blunt and eyebrow-raising “SCREWING YOU TO YOUR FACE” (sic).

While at first glance some may view the new slogan as less artsy-fartsy than its predecessor, others tend to argue that they appreciate it for being less fancy-shmancy. University administrators believe it will gain national attention for what UR students constantly perceive as an underappreciated academic institution.

“This is cutting-edge, and it’s going to attract attention from people who normally would not even consider applying here for a few reasons,” University President Joel Seligman said.

“Look, let’s not pretend this place is some shining utopia, which, when students see their billing statements, is often what they expect. There’s a green river on one side of campus and a graveyard on the other, and I’d consider both to often be preferable during the winter months.”

“Kids are smart at this school. They know that college is a scam. They know we’re taking advantage of a system that requires young men and women to mortgage their future incomes in order to satisfy some arbitrary, unspoken guideline that requires one to attend college in order to ever expect any decent-paying job,” Seligman said.

Though the new campaign has certainly turned heads, many students say that the new slogan makes sense and they appreciate the school’s honesty.

“I guess I always hated how they acted liked they cared about me while they took every opportunity to take my money,” said Kenny Kish, a sophomore political science student. “All we get is an expensive meal plan from a company that originated as a cost-cutting catering contractor for prisons, crappy weather, no snow-days and a complete lack of any effort to get the snow out of our way. It sucks, but if I’m going to go to graduate school or get a high-paying job, I need a four-year degree, and UR was the best school I got accepted to. I’ve always known they were screwing me, but it’s nice that they’re not trying to hide it anymore.”

“Instead of being nice to your face and screwing kids out of their cash at every turn like every other rinky-dink university across the country… I mean, you could feed a kid for the cost of a parking permit here. I guess it might be a skinny baby, but you get the point,” Seligman explained. “What I’m saying is, we’re going to be straightforward. We’ll talk to them like grown-ups and let them know: Hey, we want your money so we can spend it on prestigious research projects, so we’re going to squeeze every penny out of you that we possibly can. But, there is also a tradeoff: the more money we spend on research, the more valuable your degree will be when you graduate.”

The new slogan was announced in conjunction with a campaign aimed at raising the morale of students. With the help of the more honest culture that the university is assuming with its new slogan, university officials hope this marketing strategy will serve to simply cheer students up in the typically depressing environment. The River and Eastman campuses will soon be decorated with brand new, state of the art cat posters with cute sayings such as “Hang in there” or “Every day is a purrrrr-fect day.” And in sticking with the feline theme, the school will soon be placing dishes of tuna and milk out every night in order to attract the stray cats that inhabit much of Rochester. Administrators hope that doing so will help lonely students walk to class or give people a friend to snuggle up with on the quad between classes.

When asked whether or not money and greed had corrupted much of the usefulness of higher education, Seligman responded, “Do I feel guilty benefiting from such a corrupt system that allows academic as well as financial institutions to profit from a scam that is completely unjustifiable and immoral? Not when I get my paycheck. And trust me, these kids understand how persuasive a paycheck can be. Why the fuck do you think they’re here?”

Cordaro is a member of
the class of  2016.  

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