Have you ever walked around Wilson Quadrangle and felt a pair of eyes staring at you? Have you walked under a tree and, all of a sudden, had an acorn fall on your head? Now, what if there is a chance that those incidents aren’t purely coincidental?
No, George Eastman isn’t back to haunt campus. But something even more devious is afoot: woodland creatures. Recent happenings around campus seem to imply that they are not very happy with the new construction at UR. Squirrels and chipmunks have united in order to protest against the new building on the Quad.
Those dead roaches suspiciously near our dining centers? You thought it was because they died trying to get to the delicious food. In reality, it is a sign that, should the construction be completed, there will be bloodshed.
The disappearing of declining dollars in your account? It’s not Starbucks. Those creatures are capable of hacking into computer systems (seems like a better explanation than, “I’m addicted to caffeine,” doesn’t it?).
They have even threatened that, should they not be taken seriously, Alvin and the Chipmunks will be forced to throw a free concert in the middle of the Wilson Quad. The top-secret security program at UR, F.A.C.E.B.O.O.K, has recently made gathered intelligence that the woodland creatures on campus plan to revolt on Saturday, Oct. 22. While their prime target is not known, it would not be a surprise if President Bill Clinton’s address is somehow involved. Their deadliest weapons? Acorns and bushy tails.
Now, their revolt might come as a surprise, since because the construction of this new building is creating such a positive atmosphere on campus. What better way to wake up for your 9 a.m. class than hearing a bulldozer blow its horn while backing up?
Or better yet, take an artistic picture of a tree on Wilson Quad (well, the few that are left), and you’ll get a beautiful background full of iron beams.
On top of that, even for its completion this building is helping with students’ education. Not only is it teaching students the art of architecture, but also how to dodge huge gaping holes in the middle of campus.
Let’s not forget those with asthma either. A recent study coming out of the UR School of Medicine and Dentistry showed that an effective way to stop asthmatic attacks is by exposing yourself to more dust and soot. Keeping this in mind, this construction over the next couple of years will definitely get rid of at least half the students suffering from asthma. And by “get rid of,” of course I mean “cure.”
So why are these woodland creatures getting their fur all in bunches from all the good coming out of this construction?
Sure, many of them are going to lose their homes and will have to move to another tree. But considering the fact that they are probably hibernating most of the year, since it snows 10 out of 12 months here, it really doesn’t matter. Also, they all have weight problems due to the lack of physical activity anyway (again, blame the weather gods), so they could probably use a little bit more exercise.
In order to keep things under control, University officials have decided to try and negotiate with them.
Yet, an unlimited supply of nuts, the planting of more trees and even free access to the dining halls have not abated the critters’ protests.
What they are currently demanding are front-row seats to hear President Clinton’s speech. The negotiations continue and a verdict should be reached by the end of this week.
Panda is a member of the class of 2014.