Due to an especially brutal and depressing winter this past year, UR’s administration has agreed to reopen the famous Hive Bar in Wilson Commons before the end of the year. This desperate attempt at boosting campus morale couldn’t have come at a better time.
“It’s about God damn time!” senior Dana Hugey said. “We live in Rochester, where the only way to make it through the winters is to binge drink to the point of hallucination. And when you’re hallucinating, it’s hard to find the nearest liquor store.”
Despite some students’ excitement over the new campus bar, not all reviews of this project are so supportive. “It’s simply irresponsible,” distinguished Professor of Electrical-Computer Engineering and Mahjong enthusiast Stephan Kleeley stated. “How can students possibly concentrate on their futures if they are continually tempted by sin! Putting a bar inside of an educational facility? My word! What’s next, putting a strip club in the Interfaith Chapel? Bah, humbug!”
In addition to reopening the Hive Bar, the Commons plans on making a few additional changes in order to accommodate their planned increased attendance. “Yeah, we’re gonna be extending the Commons’ operating hours to 3 a.m. on weekdays and 6 a.m. on weekends, but don’t get too excited just yet,” chief Dining Service Director Debbie Roberts reported. “Yeah, we’re also gonna be charging double for every item that we offer during that time. Because, let’s face it, you’d still buy a slice of pizza if we charged $100 for it as long as it’s declining.”
Although Roberts approves of this new business opportunity, not everyone at the Commons is excited about this.
“I’m not excited about this,” disgruntled Wilson Commons employee Shawna Phillips said. “These asshole kids spill all their fucking food when they’re sober, so what do you think is gonna happen when they’re trying to ladle their damn soup when they’re wasted? Crabby Swiss slip-n-slide, that’s what.”
Ignoring any and all dissent in regard to the new bar, university administrators agree that this decision was made to reward the student body for their continued enrollment in the college and the obligatory checks that follow.
“Fuck it,” UR President Joel Seligman reported. “Let them have some fun for once! Hell, kudos to them for even sticking around after their freshman winter. “This city blows,” he mumbled under his breath. “Plus, if the students are happy and drunk, they’re more likely to donate huge after they graduate.”
In an attempt to insure that students will, for the first time, actually enter the Hive for reasons other than Blimpie and television, the Hive Bar has established a set list of drink specials throughout the weekend in order to further entice their customers. These specials include:
Thursdays: $35 declining for a pitcher of Genesee Cream Ale
Fridays: five clubs for a Long Island Iced Tea
Saturdays: $40 declining for four loko on draught
D-Day Special: 25 clubs for all you can drink!
Believing that the school had not gone far enough, administration is discussing plans that would convert the entire Interfaith Chapel into an erotic dance club for the upcoming fall semester. This facility, to be named “Chaps,” would allow students a rare glimpse at real attractive people on a regular basis, thus increasing both the morale and the productivity of the entire campus. Clubs and declining will, of course, be accepted.
Rubenstein is a member of the class of 2011.