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With only one week until the beginning of spring break, UR students are finally realizing that they “can’t wear sweatpants in Mexico and should probably hit the gym …” This yearly occurrence, popularly known as “freak weak,” due to the panic that students undergo the first time they imagine themselves in a bathing suit after winter, seamed to come early once again this year.

Students from all over campus are preparing their exercise regiment this week in order to shed their accumulated winter weight before they hit the beach. “I guess it was that day last week when it got up to 50 degrees outside when I knew it was time,” sophomore Benjamin Belowe said. “See, that was the first time I had taken my sweatshirt off in God knows how long, and I told myself, ‘Next week, I’m going to the gym.’”

Preparing for this upcoming week, the faculty of the Goergen Athletic Center fears that this increased number of people will present dangerously crowded workout environments throughout the gym.

“It’s like this every year,” a Goergen employee reported. “The increased amount of people, combined with our limited facilities, creates a dangerously competitive environment at the gym. Last year, we tried to rent members of the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity to act as gym crowd control, but they just ended up lifting weights like everyone else. I guess you can’t put any of those guys within 100 yards of a dumbbell without them ‘trying to get a quick lift in.’”

This incredible attendance has effected all hours of the gym, increasing the average 6 p.m. numbers from 40 people last year to 230 people currently. Even morning times were drastically increased, from an average of two people at 7 a.m., to a record shattering eight people during last year’s “freak weak.”

Although most students are dreading this upcoming week of physical exercise and low self-esteem, not all are concerned. “I have to lose 40 lbs before next Friday but I’m not worried at all,” says senior Bill Sand. “It’s a matter of simple diet and exercise, really. My plan is to just run 14 miles a day for seven days and limit myself to one baby spinach leaf for lunch and dinner. Then before you know it, boom! Six-pack!”

Aside from gym employees, the demographic that is arguably the most disgruntled by the upcoming Hajj to the gym are the Goergen regulars. “Well I for one hate all of these ‘weeklings,’” sophomore bodybuilder Wes Westington said. “See what I did there? That’s what my gym buddies and I like to call the posers that work out only the week before spring break. Do you get it? It’s supposed to be spelled ‘weaklings’, but we spell it ‘weeklings’ both in reference to their measly one-week gym attendance and their lack of substantial muscle mass. It’s a pun. You get it, right?”

Although most students are panicking about their bodies, not everyone is giving in to the pressures of shaping up for the spring vacation. “Fuck it, I’m going to Montreal for spring break,” said sophomore Willie Plestar. “It’s even colder up there, and everyone will be so drunk anyway, you could weigh 300 lbs and still pull some ass. Vive la France!”

According to official gym attendance records, “freak week” stands alone atop the gym attendance leaderboard followed closely by the week after New Year’s and “that first week where girls start wearing skirts.”

Rubenstein is a member of the class of 2011.

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