Ah technology. From the iPad  to Blu Ray, we really are living in a new era of bustling technological activity. We’ve done everything from putting a man on the moon to making computers that can almost out-think us, all for the benefit of mankind.

One piece of technology, however, may be responsible for the downfall of human existence. Or should I say, to a rediscovery of human sexuality?

That my friends, is the mighty mighty Web camera.

Let’s start off with a little story. I had a very good friend who, when she graduated from high school, left her long term boyfriend at home, hundreds of miles away. I was talking to her on the phone one day, and for some reason Skype came up in conservation. To which she quickly told me that she did have a webcam, I was just not told to tell her parents that her boyfriend had gotten her one. I at first wondered why, and then it dawned on me:

Webcams only really have one purpose. She/he/it/squirrel/chicken could talk to her/his/its boyfriend on the phone, but the phone wouldn’t allow them to stay, let’s say, sexually orientated with each other.

Her parents jumped to the same conclusion I did. Webcams were invented for and are really only used for stripping, teasing, and sometimes strip teasing.

Pretty much it comes down to: “I am here, and you are there.” The whole, “we can’t see each other naked on the phone, so a web cam will have to do.” Cybering through AIM is so for kids who aren’t cool and don’t have webcams. All the cool kids are doing it. Come on, I mean who hasn’t gotten naked at least once in front of somebody they just met ten minutes ago and because they share the same favorite band and color. Must mean you are soul mates.

I remember years ago when web cams were blurry nearly undiscernable images on a computer screen. Kind of like trying to watch porn on one of those channels your parents didn’t buy or the hotel won’t let you watch; its all blurry and staticky and has lines running all across it.

But, technology has come to our aid. Webcams are now tiny, near crystal clear devices and really a mainstream piece of equipment for most computer users. They have even become in such demand that they are standard features for many laptops.

And since we are humans, our need for better quality in the sexual realm beats out, let’s say, spending time to research and implement stem cell research. We can’t allow evil stem cell research, oh heavens no, but, by God, let us have our webcams and our picture phones. How else am I supposed to show Mr.BigCock6969 my new lingerie I just bought last week?

But Willie, you might say. Webcams are useful for other things besides convincing somebody I just met in a chat room to flash me their titties or show me their “17”-inch penis.

Oh, of course. There is a positive side to your Webcam. You can talk to your “parents” via Skype. Or keep in touch with your “long, lost friends” from high school. Yeah, I’m feeling you. No need to hide what you are doing in the five minutes when your roommates finally leave you alone. I’m not here to judge.

But really, the percentage of people who use webcams simply for keeping in touch with family (unless you’re from Alabama and that’s your type of thing), is probably akin to the number of guys who buy Playboy “just to read the articles” or the number of non-virgins at Star Wars conventions.

That’s not how the cookie crumbles.

Just be careful with those brand new webcams your computer came installed with. While I find it highly amusing that I can turn my head into a pumpkin, have it snow in the background or make my whole webcam viewing area a disco party, that does not take away from the fact that, really, a webcam is nothing more than an eye into the soul of the horribly horny lives of hoards of computer owners world wide.
Clark is a member of the class of 2012.

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