In light of recent security incidents on campus, the URSOA (The UR Security Officers Association) is campaigning to increase their funding and equipment, in an attempt to officially be taken seriously on campus.

Since the beginning of the year, there has been an increased amount of drug use, public urination and inappropriate use of public computers across campus.

From dorm rooms to flower pots, nothing seems to be safe from the dubious hooligans of the UR’s crime scene.

Although Security has been doing their best in the fight against crime, flashlights and comically large key rings continue to fall short.

“We need to make a change, and I’m not talking about switching the late night drive through spot from Taco Bell to Arby’s. This is bigger than Arby’s, it’s the whole system that needs to be modified,” Security Director, Benjamin Kohn said

Security guards have been questioned in the past over their controversial safety methods.

The campus security policy for dealing with a suspicious person, as stated in Section 5A, Clause 34.7 of the Security Guard Field Guide, directs Security guards to “walk slowly and confidently toward the suspicious person. Make sure to rattle your key ring in an authoritative manner, while you shine your flashlight into their eyes. Proceed to raise your voice while accusing them of marijuana possession until they give you their school I.D.”

Although effective in most Security guard interactions, this method is no longer enough.

“It’s starting to get dangerous out there,” Security officer Bethany Birnkrant said. “Or at least it did that one time, but regardless, I want a gun.”

The passion felt by individual Security guards is also shared by their supervising organization, The National Organizing Team of Campus Officers Providing Safety (N.O.T. C.O.P.S).
Commissioner Matteo Francis recently released a detailed statement of N.O.T. C.O.P.S.’s future plans for UR.

“As a part of our new vision of UR campus safety, we will require that all Security guards make certain changes to their equipment,” he said.

“Security guards will now be armed with net guns, blow-darts, and grenades. In addition, we will be introducing Campus Security Ground Troops, armed with fully automatic M60 machine guns and rocket launchers. Our hope is that this increased firepower will be used only as a pre-emptive attack strategy against criminals on campus.”

Francis predicts that by 2016, N.O.T. C.O.P.S. will have introduced a skilled battalion of fully automated, unmanned security drones into the UR campus. These drones will come fully equipped with a .50 caliber sniper rifle and fully functional Breathalyzer, not to mention heat-seeking missiles.

“These bad-boys will drop the fucking hammer. Boom!” Francis said.

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